Updates

Life is good for me personally, I have job and university semester just finished.
Our family's financial situations is screwed though because mom just resigned from her job. Why? you ask well her boss is the biggest douchebag.
Racist, Unreasonable, Pessimist and Arrogant that is the boss's characteristic! Hate to be working for someone like that. I don't know how to help my family, the only thing I can do is to increase the $200 fortnight money I give to them. Other than that that is all I can do. It makes me sad thinking that your love one is suffering it is just not fair don't you think?

Anyway I want to complain about a new girl at my work who happens to think that she is everything. She's 30 and has a 13 year old daughter and she keeps talking about how successful she is and yet she is working in the same position as me. You would think that someone with so much experience and success will be up the executive role by now, not this bitch. She just likes to talk shit, at first I was like 'wow!' not I am not believing anything she is saying because she talks shit!
She is already rich why does she need to work?

Also I would like to get a new computer. Why? Because all the keys on my keyboard are fucked up!

So this Christmas does not really feel like Christmas at all. I wish it'll get better than this soon.

Conditions up, Confidence down

Every since Steve (boyfriends blog name) got the job the same as me (of course with my help) I have been feeling annoyed and agitated.

1. Firstly we are hiding our relationship status because it might affect our work opinions/situation.
2. Next is the douche gets to go to Melbourne for training! How unfair! I have to go to a woop woop place that hardly has other methods of transport.
3. Last I so badly want to get my license and car but I know car impossible and license I have to pay for my lessons.

I don’t really want o ask the bank for a student personal loan or home loan yet because I am still on probation unless I pass the compliance audit and become permanent part-time successfully I don’t want to have any loans with the bank I am working for, since I can’t guarantee to pay it if I don’t obtain this job.

Because of my desperation in wanting to keep this job I am considering not doing summer semester and extended my graduation date as 2012 semester 2. It really sucks knowing that I am not graduating sooner.

Lately Steve has been really annoying, ever since he got the job all I hear him talk is about how he will dominate the bank that he just got recently hire for. He hasn’t gone into training yet and he feels so high and almighty already like he did in real estate. I hope he doesn’t make the same mistake as he did in that real estate job because that will ruin my reputation as well. Somehow I can see Steve being overly demanding in his needs and wants that he is going to complain to me all the time.

Also in my head I have been so restless about me losing my job because of him or him screwing me over. If that ever happens I will be so frustrated that I am going to want to break up with him. It’ll be pick n’ pay scenario all over again.

(I hope not because this job means a lot to me and with my help I got him this job)

To be honest I really didn’t want him to get this job but because he got fired from his real estate job, he felt really down me being employed and having support from a big branded bank in Australia I felt sympathy and informed him that there was a vacancy.

I really hoped that he wouldn’t get it because

• first – I don’t ever want to work with him
  (his dad’s café experience was enough for me)
• second- he might taint my good image reputation
• I don’t want him to do better than me in sales and since he has experience he will own me and I will get so jealous and competitive. Even though I promised he I won’t but I know myself and so I don’t see me sticking to that promise. We might even screw each other in the end.
• Last I just don’t understand how he is so lucky and blessed with things happening for him this year. I mean this year he got employed in a real estate and then got fired then he got the same job as me and he gets to go to Melbourne for three weeks to train. I mean something is just not right.

People are probably thinking I am such a horrible girlfriend for thinking so, but it is not at all like that. I am just jealous to be honest the fact that the whole thing is just going his way. Meanwhile I am here working hardcore and have to work and put up with a big amount of bullshit before something amazing happens to me. I am truly happy that Steve is having a wonderful life, to be honest I prefer it like that rather than him sulking and complaining about his life because he will put his stress, emotions and anger at me. However know he is just becoming cocky and he is now starting to knock me down with his gigantic ego and amazing life. He is acting as if he is the boss and he is better than me. Call me unreasonable but I am still human. I can still feel emotions and just because Steve is my boyfriend does not generally mean that he have VIP exceptions when it comes to sensitivity of my feelings.

I just don’t understand what about Steve that gives him all these opportunities. Sure I am only 19 and it is so awesome for me to get this job and Steve is turning 22 this year but still it sounds like a whole foundation has been laid out and set for him with these fortunate series of events.

I worked twice as hard as he did looking for a job. I coped a lot of shit from Steve (while employed at real estate), about me not looking for a job. You know how much bull shit I handled from Steve because he thought I wasn’t looking for a job but this whole time I was just doing it behind his back and I simply did not want to apply in the same place as his friends so even when he recommended me to the same workplace as his friend, I was reluctant because I didn’t want to be working with his friend. The biggest thing I don’t want to happen is gossip and working with his friend will give me so much rumours and gossip bullshit.

However you know what is the worst thing, the fact that Steve doesn’t really recognize that I was the main source of him becoming successful for an interview with this job. I mentioned his name to my regional boss and he looked it up. Steve does say something like ‘yes I know that you help me a lot with getting this job’ BUT he also add ‘but I did the rest, so you did your part by opening the gate and I went through and parked there’. Like can’t you just shut up and say thank you.

Steve has been acting high and almighty as well about the fact that he gets to go to Melbourne for three weeks with accommodation, food and allowance paid for. He thinks he is some big shot for training in Melbourne. He is pretty much doing the same job as me just different trainer!

Every since he got the job he is giving me a vibe that he would rather hang out with his friends because ‘I am not cool enough to  be seen around with him because I don’t drink, talk a lot, talk shit and can’t drive’. Yeah sure it sucks that I can’t drive but he doesn’t need to rub it all in my face. I swear once I get my license and actually have a car he won’t be seeing me much. The questions is will he even see me at all if I have a license. Me think not.

I do want a car a big fat shiny car like this below

2011 Land Rover LRX.

ME LIKE!

Dream Car above! I want that Land Rover so bad! Two doors as well, it is like a sports car but big! With the Land Rover no one can bully me! They'll give way for me when I am on the road! Most females driving small cars gets bullied on the road for being a women, I'll show them!

If I become reach because I know I will, I just have that workaholic career woman attitude. So if that ever happens I would like this

Such a sexy car. You will be mine someday!

But because I am poor and too low (not on employment status) to be even noticed I have to get something reasonable priced card and something a student personal loan can afford.

Most students who paid for their own car owns this type of cars.

Cheap affordable and convinient. 

Unless you are a rich spoiled kid then they get their parents to buy them one.

Meanwhile me on the other hand will have a hand me down car which is

Kia Rio (old, no automatic window)
We still use it as a family car, mom's car that is.

But first I have to pay for driving lessons which is $50 a session (an hour) or it could cost more, because people are scums these days. I know that I will definitely not get an asian car driver because I want a smart person who will think me how to driver SMARTER. Asians are just the worst drivers you could say, yeah not proud of it because me Asian as well.

Really I have to think about how I am going to budget my money.

I am spending ridiculous amounts I have been trying to refrain myself but I just go crazy everytime I get my pay. This week didn’t get paid much only one grand with a 200 tax, shit tax. The higher your pay is the higher you pay tax. I really hate governments who charge high tax! That is why I don’t like JULIA GILLIARD! She raised Tax if it was Abott (even if he is racist) tax wouldn’t be ridiculously high.

I am planning to work over time this coming Tuesday and Wednesday so hopefully I’ll get paid more in my next pay. I am hoping that I won’t get taxed as much as well because that’ll just make me want to shoot myself.

So here is the conclusion of my current life

I am officially a workaholic and taking advantage of working more while the other two new hired people (Steve and some other girl) is not working here at the kiosk. I am desperately wanting to lost weight because I swear that ever since I started this job I have been eating like a dinosaur. Also I want to do some driving lessons but because my saving habits is shit, I can’t save for shit so I have no idea how to pay for driving license every week. I should start my own Microsoft excel sheet on weekly budget; I have started my Microsoft excel for working ours and how much I should get paid and how much sales I got.

So far so good. Just jealousy with the whole Melbourne training happening for Steve.

I am sure things will get better.

Hello stranger

Wow I haven't been here in a while.
I promise that I will update this as soon as I get my new job training over with!
Yes I found a job, though they haven't paid me but I am working for a good company!
One of the top four banks here in my country!
So excited.
I'll inform and write more in my next blog.

So

STAY TUNED!

Overbearing parents

What concerns me the most now is how I am going to face my parents tomorrow, because somehow my mom found out today (this morning)  that I slept over a friends house last night. My second younger sister is useless in this kind of crap, she is of no use at all. Especially yesterday before I left I specifically informed her not to pick up the phone BEFORE I get home. Her excuse for picking up the phone was that 'grandma' was yelling to her to pick up the phone. 

She knew that I was going to a party before she left to Sydney and also she thought (and told my second younger sister) that I was planning to do some sleeping over a week ago. 

But I tell you what; It didn't even occur to me that my younger sister will be going to Sydney with my dad until the day before they were going to Sydney. So technically I wasn't planning it but more of taking advantage of the opportunity laid on my hands. I always wanted to know how sleep over was like. I am nineteen years old and about to turn twenty next month and yet I am not allowed sleep over. Pathetic right? 

My parents makes a big fuss about the whole 'sleep over' subject. They say some smart ass comments like 'if you like that way why don't you live there instead' or 'why don't you live on your own so you can do what ever you want' and worst days 'you won't understand until you have a kid of your own'. 

My parents are overbearing to the extreme; most of the time, especially when it comes to going out, parties and other social events. Even if they said that they are pretty much giving me the liberty, they use the guilt trip method on me so that I will feel conscious (and damn it! It works for them). Since I have a soft spot towards the people I love, my parents take advantage of it; even if they don't admit that I have a soft spot for them they use that tactic unconsciously. I mean how could I say no to my parents when I have a soft heart? Am I right?
If they (parents) didn't matter to me as much as they do now, guilt trips won't have an effect for me and so does crying. So in short I would be acting like my youngest sister who doesn't give a crap. 

Now I am searching whether parents with strict parenting style actually do succeed with good upbringing. Sure the kids might be an A+ genius but personality wise what are they like?

Now I came across this site. 

I totally relate to number 2 where it says 

Yes this is true! As soon as I read this I remember about the times where in high school I couldn't sleep over and I would cry myself to sleep because I was so jealous at the fact that I would miss out on the interesting bits during the late night session with the girls. I was jealous at the fact that my friends could travel parent-free when I have to have a parent with me before I could go. I was jealous at the fact that I couldn't go on a date without a chaperon. All these things that I didn't get to enjoy that normal white-kids in Australia could came back to me. I am Asian but I grew up in Australia so you think our cultural upbringing is the same as everybody right? Well GUESS AGAIN! My mom called my phone like 100 times during the schoolies week because she was scared that I will go visit schoolies area. I also remembered that before graduating year 12 they promised me that if I didn't go to schoolies the whole family will go back to Philippines for vacation and you know what that plan DIDN'T happen!

Then how about nightclubbing after I turned 18 my mom and dad made such a big scene before I was leaving.   Literally putting an act in front of my friends showing how worried they are, it was so shameful! My friends felt really bad and after that incident they didn't want to sleep over my place anymore, so thanks a lot mom and dad! [Sarcastically]

Then I remembered the bitterness I was having late last year to earlier this year. (Go back to the hacking incident post here, here and here). Then suddenly part of the main reason why I became bitter was because my parents won't let me do shit. Like I have to be home weekends all the time even if there is no special occasion, just as long as I am home my parents are happy and sane. I couldn't do travelling with friends even if I had money, I was not allowed - which is BS (bulls***). Then I already knew part of the reason why I was so bitter and started bitching to a friend of mine is because my parents triggered it. 

[click here for the source] 

I think that is the perfect description of my parents parenting style, although sometimes my mom would give praises but she sometimes would include indirect insults (without her thinking first that is). Meanwhile my dad hardly give praise to anyone unless it is worth bragging to people he knows. Like lately he brags about my youngest sister's success in singing (I don't blame them though) but sometimes you just get sick of it because it is the same shit and they don't allow other people to talk. 

When I tell my parents that they are damn strict they never admit to it and they say crap like 'if I were strict I wouldn't allow you to stay in uni so late at night' or 'I wouldn't let you go on a date with your boyfriend' or better yet 'you will not be doing things you are doing now'. 

That is true and you know what it took me fucking 18 years to work on that! There was so many heartaches and BS I went through just to get liberty that still have a rule attach to it on the side. 

If I could I would live on my own and will not worry about family if I wanted to. Personally I think I will do well in my studies that way because that means I won't have to worry about family problems during exam time or do chores during studying time. 

I reckon I would be stress free and will do better in my university studies if I didn't live at my house right now. The only problem is that I don't have a job and I don't have money to rent and live on my own. But if I do I would have done it before. 

Losing weight inspirations

You see the picture above I aspire to do something like that ever since this year started. 

Basically I am 50 kgs AGAIN, for your information.

My ultimate weight goal this year was to be weighing only 40kg, when I was still working out before winter started anyway.
Winter season screwed up with my momentum of being physically active.

Either that last semester's final exams screwed me over as well! I was buying so much lollies because I was stressing and panicking so much!

It is just that the weather was so good to sleep in and be lazy and eat hot chocolates lately so I really apologize to my body for not taking good care of it during the holidays. I shouldn't have been a lazy bum and just forced myself to work out. 

So lets just say the next photo is how much I weight and this is how much I would like to loose. 

Now I look like the chick above photo but maybe 5 kgs more. So I have been hiding my fat body underneath a long sleeve turtle neck.

I do want to be skinny, I am only 150 cm and I think that me being 50kg is making me even more stumpier than normal. I already lost 45kg during summer season and I just can't beleive as soon as winter started BAM!!! 

I gained 10 kgs, seriously I don't know how I do it. 

But I must say that part of it is my Steven's influence, he keeps taking me to restaurant with good food.

From now on, I am taking an oath of only eating SALADS this winter if I complain I am willing to remind myself again that it is for my own good. I will not skip meals because I am eating salad so no need.

Also you want to know the worst thing, I have a party to go to NEXT WEEK!

FARRRRRRKKKK!!!!

I was expecting that the next time I go to a party and next time I will see people I cut all ties with I will be super duper glamorous and SKINNY!

Atleast 10 kgs skinnier anyway!

I really hope I don't look like this, I am 5 kgs skinnier but I really hope I don't look as stump as this chick in the before photo! Damn! How do these girls loose that much weight instantly! 

I want to know how they discipline themselves, please I don't like the 'smoke if you feel like eating' because there is no effing way I will smoke!

p.s. I got the pictures from thininspiration, you want to increase that motivation of losing weight just visit her site.

So what's new pussycat?

So I am back in uni, as much as I can I am thinking positively. I don't want to be filled with jealousy, anger or paranoia so I decided that I will think happy thoughts.
Today was a good day, tiring but GOOD PLEASANT day.

I was suffering from a sore throat  yesterday and today but because of my positive attitude it seems like I was not suffering at all. Why do I say that? Well today everyone keeps giving me dairy, chocolate, sugar - things that are bad to eat when you have a sore throat. I keep explaining to them that I can't eat those because my throat really hurts.

I have finished everything that needs to be arranged in an academic progression warning - read this post. Now what's left for me to do (to show my faculty that I am an eager student) is attend workshops provided by the student services.
I will try attend as much as I can so that the next time I fail a course (please I hope not) they will see that I did everything in my power to prevent myself from failing. I do deserve some credit, I believe that out of all the student that I have met I am the most determined and  hard working one! Anyway, I will try do my best this semester and hopefully I will do better than I did last semester because if I don't I think I will have to pull the trigger of the gun that is pointing in my head.

Also today I received some lovely comments from Princess of many sorts so I was very happy. I only get to see it today, I am not sure when she wrote the comment, I didn't realize that there was a comment waiting for me to be publish. So yeah I was really happy when I saw that!

I am almost positive that not many things will bring me down because I am so positive that I am literally glowing. Even pimples in my face don't affect me as much as it did before. But I would like to do something about it as well!

Ohh I have been wanting to buy Adobe Photoshop Elements 8 and Adobe Primer Video Element 8 and I saw one today in my university campus and I was so astonished because it is only 145 dollars! In the Adobe website it is 135 dollars but that is only Adobe Photoshop Element 8. So cheap man! Well cheaper than the website price!

This program is good for my sister's album and youtube video, so we can edit stuff. I specifically want this for her not for myself because I don't have use for it. Plus I can help my younger sister get better business cards, cd album and youtube videos!

[For all of you who didn't know my sister is aspiring to be a famous singer so yeah this programs are essentials.]

Anyway I better head of I got to go to my lecture for accounting (the one I failed last semester) hopefully this time isn't as boring as last semester ( I doubt it!).

my life isn't great right now but don't doubt me. My life will be great.

Today, I woke up at around 10.30 am, and you know did my usual routine, went to the can and then wash hands then cleaned the bathroom (who by the way was only used by one person, my second sister) because it was so dirty. Then instantly I remembered the email sent from my university to me about academic progression warning, so straight away I called the number that was provided to me in the email.
The student services told me  (nice chap) that I would need to arrange an appointment with an academic advisor soon and inform the advisor why I failed to meet the requirements of detaining a passing mark for this particular course. When I was talking to him he sounded very informative and yet caring just what I want from a costumer service. After talk with student services I called the faculty of my BM (business) and like usual they are not available to talk phone calls because apparently they are really "busy" (like usual, che) so that students who needs inquiry will have to send them an email first (typical, they try to always make themselves important). I really DISLIKE my BM faculty, I reckon the service they provide towards students are incompetent and unsatisfying. Basically after talking to them it makes you feel like you walked away with absolutely NOTHING. Anyway after that situation I emailed them then straight away called the faculty of Science for my psychology course that I failed and it appears that if the email is just a warning then I don't need to set an appointment with an academic advisor but if it was a no-show cause then that would have been a different story. Luckily mine is just a warning but really I shouldn't be saying luckily because I failed the fucking course!
The science faculty also informed me that I will be sent another email in a few days about next week meeting (meaning BIG lecture room with couple of people who failed science course so FUCK!), and from last time I attended this it was totally embarrassing and humiliating plus last time I was scared that someone was going to recognize me. I hope this time no one would! I am so praying to God that I don't see anyone or anyone who knows me or me to them.

Seriously I got to pick myself up from where I left it. I have to stop sulking at the fact that I can't go out because I lack money for bus. I have to do something, ever since my significant other and I have been hanging more than usual I started to feel fragile and vulnerable which is absolutely what I really hate! I am a stronger person than this, I got to take an initiative! I have to start showing people that nothing can break me and that I am the happiest person in the world even if it means I have to fake it. This world is dog eat dog, need I say more!

So I should start working out again, I should stop acting like my second sister who is just lazing around and eating anything she sees, I am surprise that she hasn't eaten the dog yet.
Anyway from today, I am going to try to look good, and about my skin breaking out and shit I don't know how I am going to get the money to pay for my facial wash and phone bill but bleh I will find a way, suddenly selling your innocent soul has become an option.

***************************************************************

My friend just told me over the phone that she is pregnant AGAIN, last time she had an abortion and I really hope deep inside that she wouldn't make the same mistake. Last time she was so scared about telling her parents.
She is the same age as me but couple of months older so she should be 20. It is said in psychology that around 20-25 is a good time to be pregnant. They said that your kids will come out more healthier and more attractive than they would if done in age 28+. That is just basing on statistic, I don't know whether that is true fact, I should be supportive of her, when I was talking to her on the phone, I was really excited about a baby and so was she, because we both love babies! Also she informed me that she will be moving out of her parents house and live with her boyfriend into a unit by next week. So I guess keeping the baby will not be as hard as keeping the baby inside her parents house who will give her a hard time.
She is far too young if you ask me and not stable financially, I don't know if they are capable. I mean it is quite cool how she is going to be a young mom and probably will have a good relationship with her kids and all but how about problems she will be dealing? Like socially and from parents?

I always wished my parents had another baby boy to carry off our last name, but my parents don't want any more. But as a friend I guess the best I can do is be supportive to her right? That is the least I can do. Last time she didn't want me to go with her to the abortion place but now she decided to keep the baby. I mean her parents will be furious because they are the crazy strict Christian type and will give her a terrible time for the family's reputation but I have to be the friend in need who will help her mentally and emotionally. The physical bit can be from her boyfriend, and he would be a lousy boyfriend if he didn't provide it for her!

Seems like things are becoming interesting and strange for me. The people around me are definitely more productive but me I should fix my attitude and walk with my head held high and pretend nothing can bring me down.

*sigh* It is so difficult being a girl.

So my fears are all allayed for now. Caution extremely long post!

I stayed up all night and was not able to provide my body a good rest. Also part of that reason was due to my significant other calling me at around 11am and disturb my beauty sleep.

Last night I discovered my results for semester 1 and as it turns out I failed 2 courses and they are the same courses that I mentioned in this post here.  

That means it will shamelessly appear in my resume after I graduate. Also I was so upset for not discovering the fact that when I already knew that I was performing shit in the subject I should have dropped it before the penalty charges. Or I could have fake a grief just so I can drop out from the course without academic and fare charges. 

Last night I cried but not as hard as I thought I didn't know why, somehow it felt like I just gave up or it wasn't as painful enough because there are much other painful stuff happening to me this year. I don't really know how to turn this situation into a lemonade. 

I even turned down to hang out and watch the state of origin with my significant other and his family. I didn't want them asking me how my grades went, because I know that I hate telling them that 'its okay' when in fact it is not because Stevens family are generally intelligent and Steven has the impression I am too. But for myself I am just pretending because I am too embarrassed of exposing my faults to other people that is why I don't get too close to anyone. 

I think everyone doesn't want to expose their faults to anyone unless they are some moronic optimistic type of people, which I wish to be like and sometimes pretend to be like. 

I think I am in denial and in my head I am sort of consoling my heart that I have worst problems than just failing a course in university. Sure I might have to go through humiliation because I am sure the university will ask me to participate in some dumb assembly lecture; and lecture us (students who failed) that we have been irresponsible and that we are dumb as fuck to put ourselves in the position where we fail to meet the passing requirements. 

I really hoped it wouldn't come to this, I know that I didn't give 100% but I couldn't I had so many distractions I am pretty much finding a reason why I failed I know whole heartedly that the main reason is because of myself. Moreover I can't stop preventing myself from blaming the things that happened around me as a source of the major reason to why I failed to pass all courses for semester 1. 

Here are my reasons:

1. My sister always vocalize sure it goes for 2 hours but the times she vocalize are the times I am in my best mood to study.
2. My parents (more of my mom) just wants to go out or spend the whole day with the family, which I wouldn't mind but she does it on times I need to focus (ALL THE TIME). So weekends I don't really get to study because of my mom's spontaneity.
3. I have been self pitying, a lot for the previous months because of my family's financial situation and the fact that I don't receive money from Centrelink (even if I am a full time student) and I am currently unemployed.
4. I always discover interesting thing to do when I am suppose to be studying.
   [That one is ENTIRELY my own doing and my fault!]
5. The concert that we did for my sister's fund-raising concert screw me over because the preparation and errands I was running for my parents was happening during my mid-terms (I mentioned some in this entry I talked about the stress I was experiencing.)
6. I was having self-pity, fantasy and acting out how I would act out in events that I might encounter in the future (like I was talking to myself on what I would say if I was told a particular something and how I would act if people found out a particular something).
7. I was too preoccupied solving Steven's problem when I should be solving mine instead, but Steven was also being a big ass because he thinks there is nothing worst than his half assed problem. Moreover he didn't think about how I might be feeling at all.
   [Read this and this if you don't know what I am talking about.]
8. Hackers being the main reason of depleting my entire confidence and faith.
   [Read this, this and this to understand]
9. Bothered at the fact that my life has not interesting events anymore, knowing that my parents partly screwed with my head when they told me plans when in fact this plans were just drawing. (Like for example when they said that if I go to schoolies they will go abroad without me.)
10. My English is just really terrible, I suck at writing and it is my fault for being a dumb incompetent ass when it comes to writing and yet I say too many crap!

Mainly the fault and the blame should be only on me I did this to myself and I shouldn't be pointing fingers at anyone. Because I know that if I wasn't so soft hearted and was a self-centered bitch I would just cross out everything on that list above and do my own thing. But I didn't because I am an stupid moron who choose to please people that matter in my life. 

I know it sounds so dumb how I am finding reasons for my own fault but I see this situation not being entirely my fault, somehow I feel like no one supports or help me in times I need a hand. Sure my significant other tries to help me financially by paying for my food if we eat out and offering to buy medicines and other crap I need for survival. Sure my parents tries to give me and my sisters the best life they can think are best for us but for me somehow it is not effective in my well-being.

I know I keep repeating myself in this entry now, I know that majority of things that happened and why I failed 2 of my courses was my fault. I just hoped though that there was more people who supported me. Even if the university facilities always tell me they are there for students if they need help, but I tell you what it is all bullshit! They are only doing that because those people in the student services facilities are actually part-time students/teachers who don't have much ambition and is not really their to help you whole heartedly. In fact they are their to Facebook and gossip about people they know and criticize student for their terrible English and grammatical and informal language that does not meet University standards.

So really NO ONE was that much of a help. If you read all my post under the label of University, Customer Service you would understand where I am coming from. 

So once again I see this matter as a hopeless case for being turned into a good thing.

I don't even want to see people because I dread the all time favorite question 'How did your semester 1 grades go?' and 'What did you get?'.

That is it! Next semester I am doing PSYC 2040 again but I'll do ACCT 1101 another semester.

I need to fix my study planner it seems I have to do summer semester for 2010 and 2011 for me to graduate on 2011 or 2012 first semester. However finding a stable job will be the most difficult for me for these failing to get this credits shit will appear on my transcript. So pretty much I need to grab an opportunity for myself where I don't have to undergo through showing my credit which takes place if you apply for companies under graduates.

I really need a miracle!

I am dying inside

I seriously just want to vent out the feelings I have inside!
Tomorrow at 6am which is the 6 July, Semester 1 results will be released. I know that even if I gave my best (maybe lacking a bit because I didn't have much motivation and problem at home was distracting my inspiration) somehow I feel like a failure after the entire thing. I am literally dying inside, I am fearing failure at this moment. Even today after my second interview with the second manager for subway sandwich artist job I felt like a complete failure for some big hair fat reason.

I HATE FAILING AND I AM FEELING DEFEATED ALREADY!
I REALLY HOPE I PASS! A big fat stinking ugly 4 would suffice! (7 is the highest. Although inside I wish for a better mark but from the look of it no fat chance for that). I already mentioned in my previous post how badly my mid terms and assignment went for some of my subjects but I am seriously dying inside! I hope I passed all subjects!!! I want to die right at this instant. I feel like I won't be getting sleep till 6 am!!!

ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH %$^^Y&^%^$%#$%$^%&I^&%^$#@#$#%$^&

That is what I feel like at this moment.
I am trying to enlighten myself with funny manga comics and maybe I should start watching the Nanny season 3 but I really don't think that would help me in my state. Because I am so nervous I can't even eat the freaking cookie I wanted to eat before I sleep!
[Normal symptoms for me when I am nervous = butterflies in tummy, losing appetite, shaking tremendously, head spinning around, have an itchiness to watch, read or do something funny].

GAAH SOMEONE HELP ME! Where is my GENIE!!!!
I want my own Genie that will grant me all my wishes and take me out of this state!
GAAAH ALL these fantasies are making me go boinkers, ^$%#$%$#@$%$@$#!!!!!

Plastic surgery and what-not

I was looking at a particular blog and then suddenly it lead me to a link about someone exposing their own whole face surgery experience to the public (that is probably why I forgot who's blog actually showed it to me). link here

I know that when I was young I thought that because of my flat wide nose I would never have a guy who will like me, at that time my nose was everything that made me insecure. I even believe that I will get a boyfriend at age 29 because of my age. Just the nose though. Everything else was fine especially my eyes, it was what I love most about in my face. Mom would always say that I don't have to worry about my nose because once I turn 21 I can have it fixed by the best surgeon in the country. Well since I migrated in a Caucasian country where there was not a single flat nose I was very insecure. I thought that my nose covered my entire face, literally I still believe it still is covering my whole face!

After seeing the link above I started cringing at the whole surgery idea, don't get me wrong inside of me I still wish that I can do something about my nose. I sometimes wish there would be like a genie that would appear right in front of my eyes and fix all my problems, pain free. I know very immature but life goes on.

A lot of people judge plastic surgery, most people think its a disgusting attitude of wanting to become more beautiful by changing your looks completely (though I somehow agree) but others mostly girls would say that surgery was the best decision they ever made because they started feeling confident about themselves. 

For me I say so-so, I would say it is not a bad thing if you are using it because you feel that it would make you more confident about yourself, if however you use it for other reason such as having whole face done for an ex-boyfriend (click here ) then I disagree. I don't completely agree but I don't completely disagree on surgeries, I mean it seems that several people are doing it these days. That is probably why people don't understand anymore why their mothers are so damn beautiful and they themselves (the kids) are like adopted kids from an orangutan. No one these days can you actually call real beauty anymore, especially those people on TV that are labelled 'beautiful' are NOT real anymore. Back in the olden days where surgery was not entirely popular were the days where you can distinguish an ugly person from a natural beauty. Even Elizabeth Taylor one of the most beautiful women needed surgery too right?

Why is that? 

Well for one thing, people will never be CONTENT.

I know this as well, because as a human being I have days where I am absolutely feeling beautiful and my ego is unbreakable and then one day I will be completely pessimistic and overtly harsh towards myself. 

I know there is a saying 'love yourself for who you really are and love what you really look like if you  value your parents' that I support but sometimes enhancing yourself using surgery is not so bad, just think of it as a way to pamper yourself by suffering now and enjoying later. Like exams you study and stress first and then the outcome would be holidays and looking forward for a relaxing days ahead.

So what am I really saying?

Well basically I just want people to know that judging plastic surgery should be stopped at all cost. If you want to judge plastic surgery please based it on whose face looks better after surgery and which doctor failed at fixing someone's face. I know people will get judgmental and critical but sometimes its better to leave those people alone since it is their decision.

I know in my heart that sometimes I feel like I want a nose job but sometimes I feel like I don't want to because I am scared of the painful experience I will encounter. Plus I don't know the possibilities of doctor not being able to do a proper job.
I know a girl who had tucked in her Dumbo like ears behind (at age 15) because she was being teased about it and even her jerky ex boyfriend teased her about it after breakup. But after ears tuck she was completely more confident about herself and actually started dating a couple of boys who was not as jerky as her first ex.

However I am against it if surgery will be undergone in order to win a certain boy or because someone wants her to do it, if you are undergoing surgery please let it be because you want to feel more confident. Also I dislike it if you are using surgery in order to look like a certain celebrity, how about trying to look like your self but 50% enhance? yes? or just want a new look maybe?

I know celebrities like Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, Brad Pitt yadda yadda yadda are good looking people but the fact that makes them good looking is that no body else looks like them. So if you want to look like them then you are not unique you are just like a fake Doppelgänger .  

So I am not completely against it because I too wish to undergo nose job because it is too damn flat and wide and humongous. My sister quote 'you have been wanting to fix your nose for God knows how long.' Other than that I think I would be fine, just one job will be fine for me. As long as people can still recognize me after the job is okay for me. I don't have anything against it if people I know have face done, I would probably compliment it. Although I don't know what to say maybe like 

'wow you look so much better from before' or 'Finally you look more decent' or maybe 'you look awesome did you lose weight?' (totally diverting from facial change to weight to feel better?)

Famous Hollywood Beauties 

Famous Korean Beauties

Famous Japanese Model

Famous Malaysian Beauties

Famous Filipino Beauties

As long as I don't end up looking like this below

p.s. look at this link it looks super painful! OUCH!

Transformers 3 - in productions

As I mentioned before I LOVE Megan Fox, I know and I am aware she is hated by many women and I should know the best because I used to be one of them. Guys on the other hands love her. Only a moron would judge her because of her clubbed thumb! (Read more below for me to explain this situation). 

Anyway later on (during the time I was hating on Megan) I just decided to reflect and say to myself I don't hate her because I keep getting intrigue with the headlines and publicity that is involving her. Plus I don't even find her ugly, I do sincerely beleive she is beautiful maybe I was just getting jealous because my boy loves her so much so instead of not liking it I started loving her with him and now is a funny story, Steve (lets call him that) loves her less and I love her more, I now adore her.

 Anyway I was just reading some article on the net, aka PerezHilton blogs and I came across this article here so since I am a Megan fan so it is natural that I don't like this situation. Somehow I can see this movie becoming a big flop! I like Shia as an actor but in transformers he has to be with MEGAN!!!! No one can replace her! 

                             Rosie Huntington-Whiteley                     Megan Fox

Which do you prefer? 

I just want to point out that the new girl for transformers have fish lips even if her looks come across as sexy but she's got FISH LIPS! (click the picture to view larger --->). I guess those kind of lips are great for sucking cocks right boys? But this is a fucking MOVIE not a porno! I love transformers and that is where I started liking Megan! Megan was the reason why I wanted to watch Transformers in the beginning. Sure I hated her in 'How to Lose Friends & Alienate People' but transformers I look forward seeing her that is why I enjoyed Transformers 2 even though somehow it was really cheesy. The girl does not even have any acting experience she is one of the Victoria's runaway model but still! Couldn't they atleast get Miranda Kerr or something. 

No one can replace the most beautiful Megan! 

"God, I really wish I could go loose on this one. He's like Napoleon and he wants to create this insane, infamous mad-man reputation. He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he's a nightmare to work for but when you get him away from set, and he's not in director mode, I kind of really enjoy his personality because he's so awkward, so hopelessly awkward. He has no social skills at all. And it's endearing to watch him. He's vulnerable and fragile in real life and then on set he's a tyrant. Shia and I almost die when we make a Transformers movie. He has you do some really insane things that insurance would never let you do. " - Megan Fox (on Michael Bay Link here)

Michael Bay (the director) should have just ignored the stupid remarks because in reality it sounded like a freaking praise! So what she spoke her mind and what she really thought of it but this actors are known to be a pain in the butt right? If he was so hurt about this words that are in red colour then I am really confused. It does seem stupid and harsh describing him in that sense but there is another side to it after me reading it the second time, it actually made him as an awesome person because he takes his work seriously plus Megan added 'I kind of really enjoy his personality'. She did NOT say that she hates him just because she described the director like Hitler does not necessarily means she hates him. So many ridiculous media is rewriting articles and claiming that she actually hates the director, maybe after Michael knew that Megan thought of him like Hitler and interpreted in wrongly is when Megan started hating on Michael. Moreover she just (I believe)  means that he is seriously passionate about his job and he loves what he is doing right? I know Hitler is like the worst person in history whom you can be compared to but really it is just stating that this man will go out of his way to present his work as a masterpiece because he wants everything to be perfect just like Hitler wanting the human race to be perfect (but in totally different aspects which is probably why he was so insulted).
Even if people are talking shit about how Megan should have just shut her trap and just continued with the movie that originally made her famous how could a this kind of comment get really personal  (click here). If you look at it from different sides you would see that her message wasn't so bad after all, she did say she kind of like the personality! 

How can this be compared and believed to be in the same wavelengths when it comes to beauty?

I am not saying that Rosie is ugly, I am just stating that she cannot be compared to Megan's beauty, I don't think Rosie can surpass the role Mikaela Banes which Megan originally started! Is she going to act a Mikaela Banes that is similar to Megan? Or a differrent type? Because if it is similar it will be really humiliating for her because Megan acted a somewhat hot-but-trouble-nice girl sort of character and Rosie is not hot but she is what I will describe PRETTY! Not hot there is a difference between hot and pretty, when you use the term hot you always have to think sex appeal the one you want to have sex with and pretty is more like the one you want to marry and fall in love with right?
I know it is so straightforward but everyone I am sure agrees with me, that this is the real term for those words. When you see Rosie's face it does not scream 'SEX' like Megan's but when you see Rosie's body then maybe. (Of course she is going to have a sexy body she is Victoria's secret model!)

I don't think Transformer 3 will have the same effect as it did for the first and second transformers. I haven't felt like this since, The Mummy actress Rachel Weisz did not return for Mummy 3 to be Evelyn Carnahan O'Connell. Instead they use Maria Bello who is not that famous and I find average. What sucks was that I watched The Mummy returns: Tomb of the dragon Emperor IN gold class with Steven! Can you imagine the disappointment that I felt when I saw a different Evelyn? I payed for the Gold Class ticket because it was my anniversary gift but even then this Maria actress didn't really bother me except her acting, that was it. I really hope that AND I wish that when they do The mummy returns: rise of the aztec it will be back to Rachel Weisz!!! She is better than Maria! Why do these directors do a second, third, fourth without realizing that maybe people like the original better? Normal people would like the original actress all the time, maybe except for Twilights actress Kristen Stewart I think a lot of people wants someone else who enjoys acting as Bella Swan (I prefer Alexis Bledel).

Imagine watching Transformers 3 and you see Rosie acting, I am not sure whether she is a good actress from the look of it she won't be because she has no acting experience and then BAM you watch her and then her fish lips annoys you and then BAM again and she is acting sexy like Megan. I don't know but I might be exaggerating and over acting but I really don't see myself liking the movie in the end unless she proves me wrong and shows me a 'BAM awesome acting skills and used a different type of Mikaela Banes approach'.



That is all what I want to say, I don't think that the third transformers movie will have the same effect without Megan and from the pictures of the article it seems that Shia really needs a Megan to look super duper awesomely geeky hot.

***********************************************

Now from starting this point is about where I stated 'Only a moron would judge her because of her clubbed thumb!' (On the beggining sentence of this entry).

It happened like this; Steven was talking to his guy friends and were asking his friends about Megan Fox, he asked all his friends whether they think Megan Fox is hot ofcourse a typical Male would say 'FUCK YEAH!' or 'Yeah man but she say too many dumb shit' something along the lines of that.

However there is this one guy in Steven's group who responded with a

'Yeah at first but she has ugly hands man it is disgusting why do you still find her sexy?'

First of all why do you even judge a girl based on her hands?! Why! WHY!
I don't know whether I missed something about what guys find sexy but I am sure guys or normal guys do no find fingers as one of the things that arouse them! I don't think a guy should even bother check whether the girl have nice looking hands before masturbating to them. So what's the big deal right. Well first of all when guys masturbate/have sex they DO NOT look at women's fingers, they look at the ass, boobs, the face or even the vagina! Not the fucking hand! What guy is not creepy when he finds womens fingers something that excite his cock?
I think the guy needs psychological help, even Steven would agree with me on this. I have to ask my boyfriend about that story whether guys are so particular about hands and he said 'No WTF!' enough said(Although guys do like the length of the nails on girls because its stimulates them, I don't know why).

Then later one I asked him why his friend thought like this and he said that his friend (lets call him Simon) is normally really judgemental when it comes to women. Simon apparently always find imperfections on a lot of girls. Like when he stopped liking this girl Steven asked him 'why you don't like her anymore' and he responded with a 'she wasn't really fair skinned' and another reason was 'she have really big lips' LIKE WTF! Even I said that Rosie's fish lips is good for sucking cocks! Steven said that nothing can satisfy him and you know the irony is? He is very skinny, lanky, not even that good looking and wears glasses. (But glasses I find goodlooking so shuss you). The point is I don't think this guy even has the right to judge girls imperfection that way, I know guys have different likes in beauty but

1. big lips - good for cocks

2. not fair skinned - creates an image girl lost weight or girl is skinnier.

So those things that he commented on is really wierd for me. I find those imperfections as another source of beauty and can be useful in different method. I don't know if it is normal for Asian guys to be judging girls attractive level based on hands but I don't think that is the case. Normally the Asian guys I hang out with prefer tanned and big lips because they think its kissable lips and tan because they like it like that (pussycat dolls style apparently) but this Simon guy confuse me. 

What do you think?