Brand new nothing

So the beginning of 2010 was not really good for me.

I understand that some of the consequences I faced today was due to unforeseen consequences of my decisions which I made in the late 2009.
According to my friend (who is very much an angel) that 2010 pretty much started crap for everybody.

How about the saying 'A terrible beginning ends beautifully'?
Well I am pretty much hoping for it as well *cross fingers*.

To be honest this blogger website kinda gives me a creep, ever since my hotmail and facebook account got hacked, I always dreaded networking website. I deleted every single networking website I have except bebo because my middle sister wouldn't let me, she wanted to use it for her own benefit. What ever she do to it, I don't care as long as I don't get any stalkers.
To those stupid hackers that hacked into my email and fb, I just want you to know that I will catch you one day and I will never let this pass because you have Violated my privacy! Just you wait!
Since I can remain anonymous I guess it is all good. Just hopefully no one ever finds out.

So what was the motivation that enticed me to join blogger, well to be honest I really don't know.
I actually wanted to make my own webpage and website and just write all the things I want to say there and remain anonymous without having to give any email details and such (like a diary). Then I realized I didn't have the skills and knowledge to do such things, that is why my friends you need to make friends with an IT geek or some crazy nerds. They really are a big help.

To be honest I was never good in english. When I say never I meant NEVER!
I like to read obviously but when it comes to writing, my thoughts and the words just explodes like as if its a water coming out of the hose. So yes everybody gets wet and just let it be because its water, you can dry it out after and then problem solved.
See doesn't make sense again does it?

As a person I am a quite type of genteel person, I refrain myself from showing actions that will get me scarred for life but sometimes I do slip (after all I am only human). When my fb got hacked there were several messages I was sending to a very close friend of mine. I like to think of this friend as my private confidant, since her and I understand each other in way that nothing else make sense. However in those messages I have been sending not so pleasant things about people around me because its a conversation between two people who trust each other and let each other speak their mind, so during that time I just let my imagination run wild.
(To tell you the truth I never speak my mind, my boyfriend believes that I am to darn straight to the point and the world is not ready for me.)
Don't get me wrong, I am not the typical person who looks at you and see the negative thing first. I just have a very strong mind, where I am always thinking and analyzing thoughts from information and observation. Yes I do have a mind of my own, I am not fake, I believe but I do form opinions of people (just like everyone else). Sometimes those opinions does hurt a certain people.

So to cut the story short.
I want to say SORRY to those friends I hurt in that message. I never intended for you guys to find out that way. I was never close to you because I knew as a person you can't really handle me because I am stubborn, straight to the point and secretive (I was raised up that way) and that is something  I have to improve on.

All I know is that whatever is in that message was purely based on my opinion, facts and observation.
So you did rant at me even though it wasn't just my fault but I don't blame you probably because you were in shock that I could say something like that towards you, especially when all this time you got the impression that we are tight.
I never really wanted to get close to someone especially when I know I don't see the person much and heard different accounts of them, I don't think I could say sorry for that because that was just me playing it safe. I didn't want to get hurt anymore after what several people did to me. So I know you will never understand my point of view but this is who I am, I give you the impression that we are tight when it just a one sided thing.
I am an attentive listener and a person who goes out of her way to be with a friend in need (even if I am not close to her/him) because I like helping people. As you can see from that messages I didn't give a fact to why I think you were like that, that should give you a hint that I didn't just bitch about you I just said what I think of you, even though you never asked me why I have an opinion like that towards you.
About the clubbing scene that was just what I was seeing (observed) during that night if you remember it clearly I was entirely upset and pissed off therefore the story in my head was a more of a hate story because I hated that night. 

I know that somehow I handled the apologizing situation well, instead of explaining my reasons to why I did that and what made think that (meaning involving innocent people, no need for that) I just swallowed my pride and made it seemed that it was my fault and I am being inconsiderate if I didn't say it wasn't my fault at all (which is true). Plus I know my own fault to be stubborn, sometimes narrow minded (everyone have those moments once in a while) and overtly secretive.
I don't tell or talk to many people except people I trust, tight and relate to. If I don't know you yet or just want to play safe, I don't tell you a single thing which is why my friend who got angry at me got really angry or disappointed at me because it was probably the last thing she expected.

When you get caught doing a no-no you have to face the consequences.It doesn't matter what it made you feel just do it because its the right thing. It was probably good for me as well for I just realized:

1.  Internet is not safe anymore
2. You will know who really understands you
3. People will go out of their way to hack into peoples account
4. Deleting FB and other networking website is good for the soul
5. Slaps you back to reality and make you realize what you did was wrong
6. Teaches you to learn from this mistake

I definitely learned from that experience, I can safely assume that friend and I will not rekindle our friendship for a long period of time, someday we will take a walk down memory lane and hopefully become friends again.
Since it is rare to bump into her, I don't go to same functions they attend and I don't have any form of communication with them anymore it will be very rare we'll be in contact.
Perhaps I should take my mom's advice (I have been for my whole life) 'don't say anything and don't tell anyone including friends if its not a nice thought or information.'

Letting it out in this blogger makes me feel better. Just like a diary except people actually viewing.

Secret confession makes the world curious, paranoid and eventually die early.

Anyway good night.

 

How I am feeling before, now and in the future. 

I want to eat marshmallows now