So my fears are all allayed for now. Caution extremely long post!

I stayed up all night and was not able to provide my body a good rest. Also part of that reason was due to my significant other calling me at around 11am and disturb my beauty sleep.

Last night I discovered my results for semester 1 and as it turns out I failed 2 courses and they are the same courses that I mentioned in this post here.  

That means it will shamelessly appear in my resume after I graduate. Also I was so upset for not discovering the fact that when I already knew that I was performing shit in the subject I should have dropped it before the penalty charges. Or I could have fake a grief just so I can drop out from the course without academic and fare charges. 

Last night I cried but not as hard as I thought I didn't know why, somehow it felt like I just gave up or it wasn't as painful enough because there are much other painful stuff happening to me this year. I don't really know how to turn this situation into a lemonade. 

I even turned down to hang out and watch the state of origin with my significant other and his family. I didn't want them asking me how my grades went, because I know that I hate telling them that 'its okay' when in fact it is not because Stevens family are generally intelligent and Steven has the impression I am too. But for myself I am just pretending because I am too embarrassed of exposing my faults to other people that is why I don't get too close to anyone. 

I think everyone doesn't want to expose their faults to anyone unless they are some moronic optimistic type of people, which I wish to be like and sometimes pretend to be like. 

I think I am in denial and in my head I am sort of consoling my heart that I have worst problems than just failing a course in university. Sure I might have to go through humiliation because I am sure the university will ask me to participate in some dumb assembly lecture; and lecture us (students who failed) that we have been irresponsible and that we are dumb as fuck to put ourselves in the position where we fail to meet the passing requirements. 

I really hoped it wouldn't come to this, I know that I didn't give 100% but I couldn't I had so many distractions I am pretty much finding a reason why I failed I know whole heartedly that the main reason is because of myself. Moreover I can't stop preventing myself from blaming the things that happened around me as a source of the major reason to why I failed to pass all courses for semester 1. 

Here are my reasons:

1. My sister always vocalize sure it goes for 2 hours but the times she vocalize are the times I am in my best mood to study.
2. My parents (more of my mom) just wants to go out or spend the whole day with the family, which I wouldn't mind but she does it on times I need to focus (ALL THE TIME). So weekends I don't really get to study because of my mom's spontaneity.
3. I have been self pitying, a lot for the previous months because of my family's financial situation and the fact that I don't receive money from Centrelink (even if I am a full time student) and I am currently unemployed.
4. I always discover interesting thing to do when I am suppose to be studying.
   [That one is ENTIRELY my own doing and my fault!]
5. The concert that we did for my sister's fund-raising concert screw me over because the preparation and errands I was running for my parents was happening during my mid-terms (I mentioned some in this entry I talked about the stress I was experiencing.)
6. I was having self-pity, fantasy and acting out how I would act out in events that I might encounter in the future (like I was talking to myself on what I would say if I was told a particular something and how I would act if people found out a particular something).
7. I was too preoccupied solving Steven's problem when I should be solving mine instead, but Steven was also being a big ass because he thinks there is nothing worst than his half assed problem. Moreover he didn't think about how I might be feeling at all.
   [Read this and this if you don't know what I am talking about.]
8. Hackers being the main reason of depleting my entire confidence and faith.
   [Read this, this and this to understand]
9. Bothered at the fact that my life has not interesting events anymore, knowing that my parents partly screwed with my head when they told me plans when in fact this plans were just drawing. (Like for example when they said that if I go to schoolies they will go abroad without me.)
10. My English is just really terrible, I suck at writing and it is my fault for being a dumb incompetent ass when it comes to writing and yet I say too many crap!

Mainly the fault and the blame should be only on me I did this to myself and I shouldn't be pointing fingers at anyone. Because I know that if I wasn't so soft hearted and was a self-centered bitch I would just cross out everything on that list above and do my own thing. But I didn't because I am an stupid moron who choose to please people that matter in my life. 

I know it sounds so dumb how I am finding reasons for my own fault but I see this situation not being entirely my fault, somehow I feel like no one supports or help me in times I need a hand. Sure my significant other tries to help me financially by paying for my food if we eat out and offering to buy medicines and other crap I need for survival. Sure my parents tries to give me and my sisters the best life they can think are best for us but for me somehow it is not effective in my well-being.

I know I keep repeating myself in this entry now, I know that majority of things that happened and why I failed 2 of my courses was my fault. I just hoped though that there was more people who supported me. Even if the university facilities always tell me they are there for students if they need help, but I tell you what it is all bullshit! They are only doing that because those people in the student services facilities are actually part-time students/teachers who don't have much ambition and is not really their to help you whole heartedly. In fact they are their to Facebook and gossip about people they know and criticize student for their terrible English and grammatical and informal language that does not meet University standards.

So really NO ONE was that much of a help. If you read all my post under the label of University, Customer Service you would understand where I am coming from. 

So once again I see this matter as a hopeless case for being turned into a good thing.

I don't even want to see people because I dread the all time favorite question 'How did your semester 1 grades go?' and 'What did you get?'.

That is it! Next semester I am doing PSYC 2040 again but I'll do ACCT 1101 another semester.

I need to fix my study planner it seems I have to do summer semester for 2010 and 2011 for me to graduate on 2011 or 2012 first semester. However finding a stable job will be the most difficult for me for these failing to get this credits shit will appear on my transcript. So pretty much I need to grab an opportunity for myself where I don't have to undergo through showing my credit which takes place if you apply for companies under graduates.

I really need a miracle!