Paranoia II

So here I go again started freaking out and started hating my hacker for ruining my networking website life.
How did it start again?

Well it started yesterday, Me and my significant other was happily walking towards the main foodcourt around uni. Suddenly my boy (let's call him Steven) sees his friend from afar who was in a group and just finished pharmacy exam, Steven was saying hello to this guy friend and then suddenly this asian girl (lets call her Dana) who was in that group started saying hello to Steven as if he was talking to her(my boy and I know her but he hates her me I just don't really care).
To be honest I didn't even see Dana at first, no I am going to correct my self  I couldn't see a thing because I was literally going blind from too much studying. Anyway yeah Dana was talking to Steven as if Steven was talking to her when we met eyes I smiled at her and the funny thing happend, she gave me a really suspicious smirk. I don't know if it was just me but I kept thinking is there something in that smirk? It wasn't like a suspiciosly looking smirk but it was very different from the old smile she use to give me when our eyes meet. Normally when she smiles at me there is that kinda sweet sincere smile but this type it was like 'you look shit today you don't deserve my real smile but I'll be nice and give you my bitchy smile' sort of thing.
Yeah I did look horrible yesterday, I literally stopped wearing make-up since my skin is not healing and I have no money to buy make up anyway so I'll just use it when it is special occasion.
Anyway getting side tracked again. Yeah it kinda made me jump and I started wonder what could be the meaning of that.  (Read below if you want to know what I thought of it).
On the other hand Deep down, Steven was getting annoyed why it is Dana responding when he isn't even looking at her when he is asking the questions, I think Steven's guy friend noticed that it was him who Steven was talking to not Dana.

Then when Steven finally said his farewell he murmured something under his breathe that I didn't catch.
I asked him what he said and he said to me that whole time when Dana was talking to him he was trying to talk to his guy friend and he didn't want to talk to Dana because he hates her and thinks she is the biggest bitch. He even made a really rude joke 'She probably wants me now because now she knows that I work for real estate and she wishes to be like you'

HHHHHHMMMMM.............

I started thinking could that be the reason why she gave me that cold fake smile? Then I thought to myself 'maybe not' lets just keep our options open.
Another thing that came to my mind was that what if my hacker was sending mails to people while they were controlling my facebook account and started following the people I mentioned on my facebook mail with my secret confidant and Dana found out eventually! (The word will get around if it was sent to those people, those people are like vultures when it is others peoples lives).
Even if my hearts literally just sinks when I think about it, I am trying to leave a bit of space thinking that the hacker wasn't that cruel plus their real target (I think) was not me but it was more directed towards my secret confidant; just unluckily I am so predictable that they manage to guess my secret answer for my hotmail. But because a hacker is a hacker and even hacked into my email I can't help but think that bitch is a heartless cruel denizen of hell. Like after that incident I stopped thinking that people always meant well, I stopped thinking that people are not that bad creatures and I stopped thinking that I was still that innocent nice girl.
After that incident I started swearing, I started becoming more fiesty and I became thrice the snob I am now.
Just because of that incident I started hating the world, even if here I am still feeling and telling everyone that I am giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. To be honest there is a part of me that doesn't want to even care anymore whether it was good intentions or bad intentions.

My hatred started to grow more and MORE which is so bad for me because I always want to forgive a person because of my religion. But this hatred can be a good thing, why? because I am a retarded person! JOKES! No it is just that when I have a strong hatred, I get that inception of wanting to get sweet revenge on you: by proving you wrong and showing you that you messed with the wrong person.
What I mean by sweet revenge is NOT something I will do physically or verbally hurting sort but it is more like I am going to focus on myself and attaining everything I want in life and doing something tha shocks everyone and then makes everybody hate me for attaining that succes. I reckon people hating me that way does not bother me that much.  Don't you think it is the perfect sweet revenge? I think it is!
Especially for these type of low life people, it will kill them inside showing the fact that what they did to you didn't affect you but yet made you stronger. Showing them that you are living the life they have always wanted for themselves such as rich, relaxed high status in the world.

That thought (above paragraph) is the only thought that is keeping me together from my sanity. It is the only thing that is keeping me from hurting someone physically and grabbing someones hair. That thought above is what helps me to force a smile even if it is getting harder for me lately.

I don't know what Steven's friend has heard about my facebook, I don't know what they say behind my back, but I am sure that they will never say anything bad about me to Steven's face because everyone in Steven's group feared Steven. I am not just talking him up, myself alone is scared when Steven gets angry. Steven gets furious and angry when it comes to the people he loves, it is just a sensitive topic for him. I know who ever it is a guy taller than him or fatter than him, he will take a swing, who ever it is he doesn't care. I am the one that is controlling Steven to not take a swing because I don't want to see that side of him. I am not prepared and I will never be.

So as of to that Dana girl which do you think was she thinking ?

1) 'You are so undeserving of your now rich real estate boyfriend whom I was friend before but I never gave a single finger about him because before he was just a poor boy and now he is rich and successful I want him'

2) 'I saw all that facebook messages, and I can't beleive you can say something like that about my friend/higschool friend you are such a bitch and I am not even going to bother with you and I will spread all your secret'

3) 'You look horrible today, I don't want to be associated with you, you are not worth my eyes'

I really its 1 and 3, please anything but 2, because number two has all my dark secret and if that is realesed I think I am going to be killed by my parents. No one is suppose to know about it, and I promised her I will NEVER tell anyone.

4) Or maybe Dana wasn't even thinking about any of those three above and I am just overacting like a stupid bitch because I am so paranoid from this facebook/hotmail hacking incident.

More likely number 4 it is 1,3 and 4 I will jump up and down and I won't even care if I am putting myself down. The fact that number 2 is such a deep scar for me and that scar will remain there forever because everything that scared me when I was little was all there.

Suddenly I am afraid and then I realize what am I really afraid of?