It is not the end of the world

'It is not the end of the world and I know it is harsh but there are still other things that you can do.' This was the exact words of my tute teacher when she handed out our assignment marks.

I only got 9/25 in my essay, the assignment's percentage weight is 25. Therefore in this assignment for this course I only got 9% of it. Two of my quizes marks are 3% out of 6% and the second one was 8.5% out of 9% the final quiz which I took today weighing 15% I don't know yet. So overall the percentage I obtained for this course is 20.5% If you subtract it to 50% then it means I need 29.5% out of the final quiz and final exam (45% final exam weight) to pass.
Let say hypothetically I obtain 7% out of my final quiz then I would need to obtain 22.5% atleast out of my final exam to pass this damn stupid courses. Because if I get 7% then add that to 20.5 which makes it 27.5 and subtract it to 50% (passing mark) Then I need to obtain 22.5% out of my final exam, so FUCK ME!

After my final quiz today, which started at 8am today (meaning I had to wake up around 6.00am to get up and catch bus), our essay marks were given to us, not only was I already feeling sick but I also lack sleep, have overworked fried brain and nervous nerves from getting the marks of (was nervous as well while doing final quiz) essay which was shit!
So imagine the feeling that I wanted to express while looking at that damn stupid paper that had stupid feedback that I didn't understand but somehow when I was looking at it the portion of 9/25 seemed relatively bigger than anything and it seems at that time it was all I could look at.
I know there are more intense problems out there in the world but for me who is pretty much hating her looks right now, already hates the fact that she is not doing well in uni and already loss and drifted away from a lot of people who I use to be friends with, seems like my world just needed to end there.
At that moment, all these great sucidal ideas came to my head and I don't even know how the processing of sucidal thoughts began when all that time I could only see in my head was that big fat 9/25 mark. I even tried to listen to the most cheerful happy song I could think of which was California Girls by Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dog and that didn't seem to work which was wierd because last night me listening to it (when I should be studying for my quiz) motivated me to run around happily inside my room like a retard...So FML!

I called my significant other straight away but I pretended that I was fine, I tried so hard to control my voice which was breaking due to my emotional outburst. I hate telling people I am so sad and I am crying but yet sometimes I just want to tell them but something in my head stops me. Like seriously I just wanted to call everyone on my contact list and tell them what happened but somehow my brain stopped me from even touching my mobile phone. I was even lying to my boyfriend telling him that I was just feeling sick because I lack sleep. He told me that I can do whatever I want.
Then few minutes later he called me back, offering me his house for me to sleep and he was asking whether I wanted to hang out somewhere else or do something during the day. I think he pretty much figured that there was something wrong when I called and that I was acting stranged and wierdly unnormal.

So he will pick me up in few minutes and now my brain is hoping that when I see him I would be as composed as I can. Not going to start crying once I see his face (I do that sometimes but my over sized sunnies manages to hide it) and even if I hide it my face just turn really red, like my eye bags turn red ( I am not joking by this, my eye bags turn red when I want to cry and worst after I cried its bright flashing stinking red).

I really hope I don't fail at all this semester. I really I hope I don't fail. I stinking pass would be fine because I got to graduate by the end of next year so I can help my family overcome this financial situation crap, I don't care if its a stupid crap job as long as I get out of this university degree shit and if I want to pursue my masters degree I'll do it when everything is stable and falling into places.
Seriously sometimes I feel like I am in the wrong degree, but because I am poor it restrict me from changing because these are the subjects I did during highschool, so FML again!

I just want to win 50 million dollars right now. I also want a genie's bottle to miraculously appear near my feet for me to pick up. That way life wouldn't be so hard for me, yes very selfish of me to think that my life is the worst thing, but since this is my life and I don't want to compare my life's situation with others so more likely other lives doesn't interest me. At this moment I want to self pity and focus on myself instead of others.

What a shame the first time I wore my new fake but pretty gucci scarf BAM! an ugly report came across.
Anyway I should stop relating what I wear as new as a source of good luck or bad luck, thats what happens when you are raised by a super ridiculously superstitious mother. I have to stop this superstitions. I am compelled to let myself know that this stinking bad luck had nothing to do with the new scarf I am wearing now and that the next time I wear this will bring me good luck because the fact that it only cost 20 dollars was a good omen. Normally Japanese people charge more for a fake branded scarf so 20 dollars is relatively cheap.

Writting in this blog and venting out all this emotion (while listening to California girls repetitively) I am feeling right now is making me feel better. I really feel for the reader reading this piece of shit. Thank goodness no one knows who I am.

Maybe I should visit other happily positive websites like Xiaxue  or Princess of Solo for me to have a more positive aura when I come face to face with my significant other to pretend nothing happened or nothing affected me this morning.