In the blog before this I mentioned about my significant other suspecting something strange about me when he called me this morning (click here). I guessed wrong so maybe he was thick skinned than I thought. I don't know whether he noticed the redness and the depth of my eye bags when he picked me up but I now hereby declare that he did not noticed anything, I can safely assume that the whole time he thought that I lack sleep.
When I hugged him inside the car (just few minutes ago) to thank him for taking me out and skipping the day of study to dedicate this day for me, I suddenly just started crying. I don't know what was in me but somehow I just wanted to cry to him. Ofcourse... STUPID MISTAKE!
He didn't take it well when he noticed that I was crying. He hates the fact that my depressed mood has now affected him. He said that I should start to pretend to be happy because people didn't want to be around people who are miserable (which is true).
The fact that annoys me the most is that how come when it comes to me I can't show any forms of sadness (he didn't even try show sympathy towards me) but with him its alright and that I have to be there to talk to him about it and deal with his crap. I know that he asked me what was my problem and told him 'nothing' but also in the back of my mind knew very well he would not know how to handle my stuff as well as I did with his. Don't you think its unfair?
First thing that happened this morning after getting my shitty crap marked essay from my tute was I called him to let him know that I am planning to go home because I was not feeling well.
Okay first of all I did not even asked or hinted to him to take me out, I just assumed this morning when he offered to take me away from uni that he just wanted to cheer me up. I informed him that I was going to go home to take a rest because I did not get sleep from studying, he even begged me to sleep in uni (like how inconsiderate where the fuck in uni will I get sleep from?) and we will hang out later.
I was not suggesting anything when I called him I was just informing him because the last time I went home without notifying him he got so pissed at me for not even bothering to tell him, so this time I called him to let him know. It was him all along trying to make me stay with him.
I remember when I got in the car this morning he started telling me how I make him feel like he is a bad boyfriend when in fact that time I was trying so hard to not show him any hint of my problem. Although I was quiet and he just woke up(what was I suppose to say?). I asked him why are you suddenly thinking like this and his respond was :
'I do way too much for you and I feel stupid, you know that other bitches wants me but I just quickly shrugg them off, but sometimes it feels like I don't do enough for you but I know that I feel stupid for doing too much for you. Like take today for example'.
This phrase pisses me off the most why? Because firstly he mentioned other bitches wanting him just because he has a fucking job now. He keep mentioning bitches wanting him lately after this job offer. Like as if he is threatening me that my disposition is now in a severe condition because other girls are wanting him more lately(like WTF!). (This serves me right for telling him that girls are going to want him and he looks good in a business suit, like fuck me!). Not because lately I am not putting effort in my looks or the way I dress mean that I feel threatened that somehow he is doing better than I am. I was never threatened to lose him in my life, if I decided to drop him because I can't deal with it anymore my attitude is more likely to be 'well he is not the one for me and I just have to move on'.
Second, WTF does he mean when he stated 'doing too much for me and that he feels stupid'? My fucking time alone makes me look like an idiot when I dedicate it to him. Like WTF you are fucking 2 years older than me and yet I help you with your fucking uni shit! I am not even that smart! Sure you are having troubles juggling with uni life and work but that does not mean it limit you from performing university stuff!
Last is about using 'Take today for example', I did not ask you to take me out. I politely refused to accept your service like 3 times and I felt pressured to accept them the fourth time you asked because I felt like I was being a bitch for not wanting to spend time with you, because yesterday I promised you that after we study we will hang out.Well I tried to ignore that for the rest of today, even though I knew in my heart that it was not the type of comfort I was looking forward to hear after a shitty event. I even had to go to his sister's house toilet (this is where we ate our lunchboxes) to cry my eyes out there (I hate it when people see me cry). Obviously my boyfriend was so oblivious and didn't not see that I might have been crying but instead he was so hung up on the NBA game between Celtics and Lakers and failed to notice the hideous red eye bags (serves him right because Lakers won and he wanted Celtics).
He did bring me lunch from his home, heated it in the microwave and prepared it in a way for me ready to eat it. At 2.55pm we left his sisters house and headed towards the cinema where we watched sex in the city II (he was making a big deal how he does not want to see this movie but he will because I want to see him and that I should be grateful towards him and reward him if he gets utterly bored in the movie, PATHETIC!)
I never gave him that kind of attitude when I do things for him that is why I thought it to be pathetic. Like he instantly expects something in return (don't you hate it when people do that?)
Then after the movie we went straight to uni to study (that was the agreement) but we laid down for a while in his car and I took the oppurtunity of giving him a hug and thanking him sincerely but suddenly I realized that my tears came rolling down my cheeks (as if my brain wanted me to tell him my problems in that instant) and before I tried to hide it he has already noticed it and asked me 'are you crying?'
Then shit happened....
Then I heard more shit from him that I really didn't need today....
Basically in our conversation he said that I should try pretending to be happy because it is bad for my health and that this kind of atmosphere depresses him as well and the feeling fucks him up from his real motive for that day. He was using a friend as an example, 'you know [insert friends name], I know she is miserable but she pretends to be happy but even if she pretends you can still feel it and I can feel it and sometimes it affects me'. Like WTF right?
He also said that I should just force myself to be happy because he does not need this shit and it makes him loose the momentum of the day (and my interpretation of this is whether you are depressed, worried or confused don't put it on me because I don't need this shit, why can't you just pretend to be happy around me, I don't want to know your real emotions because I am not used to seeing them and it works better for me if you pretend to be happy all the time).
That is how I will interpret that little bugger from his tone, I might be becoming a little inconsiderate but I really somehow genuinely beleives that this was his message towards me.
So in response to that I assured him that I was very sorry for that nervous breakdown, it won't happen again and next time I will pretend to be happier around him (I will make sure he will NEVER fucking know what I am feeling and what is happening to me lately, with that kind of declaration he should be scared of his position because this means that I am not going to rely on him anymore and I will most likely look for someone who is strong enough to give me sympathy and take my bullshit at the same time. Therefore I might start looking for a guy who understood me emotionally.)
Maybe my significant other should start looking up psychological facts soon (Click here)
Am I being selfish with that kind of proposition towards this incident? Maybe.
This conclusion made me very sad because I always thought that once I have a boyfriend he will make sure that he will be the only one who will lend me his shoulder for me to cry on (brainwashed much by these fairytale love stories?).
So there you go my love story which is not even romantic and not really your typical love story.
Honestly my first boyfriend was a better boyfriend than this guy, even if things didn't work out for me and him and even if I don't have feeling for him anymore; I will always remember that time when it was us two where we did not raise our voices when we got into an arguement or misunderstanding.
Like I mean we never really had an intense arguement, but because I was the type that was just going to let you go once you want to go (during the time when I was trying to talk to him about where our relationship was going) I just sort of let him walked away from me because thats what I thought was the best move. I didn't even try to chase him or show him a bit of interest of us getting back together.
Although a little bit of me wanted to (why I say this? Because I couldn't throw the scrap book I made for him after 3 months of our breakup, this scrapbook was going to be my 1 year anniversary present for him).
Before I remember my boyfriend now asked me of which one I liked the most (ofcourse you chose the person who you are with right, I mean stupid answer if you said your ex right?).
However I do remember that when I went on my first date with my ex I had butterflies (like literally, I feel like I want to throw up,sympathy towards mecited or very nervous) and I was very smitten. I knew that when I was in a relationship with my ex I was always smilling even at school, all my friends noticed it as well. I would show off the picture I had of my ex on my wallet, diary, phone, myspace etc.. I was just proud of showing him off and somehow I was very proud that I bagged this boy for myself because I did find him very good looking (I am guilty but I find my ex better looking than my boyfriend now, although I will never admit it if boyfriend now ask me about it, ofcourse DUH!).
People would call him Clark Kent because when he wore his glasses he looked like Clark Kent which was so CUTE! at that time anyway (Read this to understand why). Even the popular girls in my japanese class would go through my diary and look at the photo I have of my ex with his friends (all caucasians ofcourse) in my diary and they would agree that the best looking one is my ex and I knew that this was not just them being nice to me but because I heard them say it behind my back. stupid ungratefuly and never happy guy). I apparently have to anticipate what he wants to hear at that moment, but somehow telling him all these things he want to hear will just give him a big head.
Yeah this is my life.
You think that because my life already sucks that at least my love life would have a little bit of romance...
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GUESS AGAIN!
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