my life isn't great right now but don't doubt me. My life will be great.

Today, I woke up at around 10.30 am, and you know did my usual routine, went to the can and then wash hands then cleaned the bathroom (who by the way was only used by one person, my second sister) because it was so dirty. Then instantly I remembered the email sent from my university to me about academic progression warning, so straight away I called the number that was provided to me in the email.
The student services told me  (nice chap) that I would need to arrange an appointment with an academic advisor soon and inform the advisor why I failed to meet the requirements of detaining a passing mark for this particular course. When I was talking to him he sounded very informative and yet caring just what I want from a costumer service. After talk with student services I called the faculty of my BM (business) and like usual they are not available to talk phone calls because apparently they are really "busy" (like usual, che) so that students who needs inquiry will have to send them an email first (typical, they try to always make themselves important). I really DISLIKE my BM faculty, I reckon the service they provide towards students are incompetent and unsatisfying. Basically after talking to them it makes you feel like you walked away with absolutely NOTHING. Anyway after that situation I emailed them then straight away called the faculty of Science for my psychology course that I failed and it appears that if the email is just a warning then I don't need to set an appointment with an academic advisor but if it was a no-show cause then that would have been a different story. Luckily mine is just a warning but really I shouldn't be saying luckily because I failed the fucking course!
The science faculty also informed me that I will be sent another email in a few days about next week meeting (meaning BIG lecture room with couple of people who failed science course so FUCK!), and from last time I attended this it was totally embarrassing and humiliating plus last time I was scared that someone was going to recognize me. I hope this time no one would! I am so praying to God that I don't see anyone or anyone who knows me or me to them.

Seriously I got to pick myself up from where I left it. I have to stop sulking at the fact that I can't go out because I lack money for bus. I have to do something, ever since my significant other and I have been hanging more than usual I started to feel fragile and vulnerable which is absolutely what I really hate! I am a stronger person than this, I got to take an initiative! I have to start showing people that nothing can break me and that I am the happiest person in the world even if it means I have to fake it. This world is dog eat dog, need I say more!

So I should start working out again, I should stop acting like my second sister who is just lazing around and eating anything she sees, I am surprise that she hasn't eaten the dog yet.
Anyway from today, I am going to try to look good, and about my skin breaking out and shit I don't know how I am going to get the money to pay for my facial wash and phone bill but bleh I will find a way, suddenly selling your innocent soul has become an option.

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My friend just told me over the phone that she is pregnant AGAIN, last time she had an abortion and I really hope deep inside that she wouldn't make the same mistake. Last time she was so scared about telling her parents.
She is the same age as me but couple of months older so she should be 20. It is said in psychology that around 20-25 is a good time to be pregnant. They said that your kids will come out more healthier and more attractive than they would if done in age 28+. That is just basing on statistic, I don't know whether that is true fact, I should be supportive of her, when I was talking to her on the phone, I was really excited about a baby and so was she, because we both love babies! Also she informed me that she will be moving out of her parents house and live with her boyfriend into a unit by next week. So I guess keeping the baby will not be as hard as keeping the baby inside her parents house who will give her a hard time.
She is far too young if you ask me and not stable financially, I don't know if they are capable. I mean it is quite cool how she is going to be a young mom and probably will have a good relationship with her kids and all but how about problems she will be dealing? Like socially and from parents?

I always wished my parents had another baby boy to carry off our last name, but my parents don't want any more. But as a friend I guess the best I can do is be supportive to her right? That is the least I can do. Last time she didn't want me to go with her to the abortion place but now she decided to keep the baby. I mean her parents will be furious because they are the crazy strict Christian type and will give her a terrible time for the family's reputation but I have to be the friend in need who will help her mentally and emotionally. The physical bit can be from her boyfriend, and he would be a lousy boyfriend if he didn't provide it for her!

Seems like things are becoming interesting and strange for me. The people around me are definitely more productive but me I should fix my attitude and walk with my head held high and pretend nothing can bring me down.

*sigh* It is so difficult being a girl.

So my fears are all allayed for now. Caution extremely long post!

I stayed up all night and was not able to provide my body a good rest. Also part of that reason was due to my significant other calling me at around 11am and disturb my beauty sleep.

Last night I discovered my results for semester 1 and as it turns out I failed 2 courses and they are the same courses that I mentioned in this post here.  

That means it will shamelessly appear in my resume after I graduate. Also I was so upset for not discovering the fact that when I already knew that I was performing shit in the subject I should have dropped it before the penalty charges. Or I could have fake a grief just so I can drop out from the course without academic and fare charges. 

Last night I cried but not as hard as I thought I didn't know why, somehow it felt like I just gave up or it wasn't as painful enough because there are much other painful stuff happening to me this year. I don't really know how to turn this situation into a lemonade. 

I even turned down to hang out and watch the state of origin with my significant other and his family. I didn't want them asking me how my grades went, because I know that I hate telling them that 'its okay' when in fact it is not because Stevens family are generally intelligent and Steven has the impression I am too. But for myself I am just pretending because I am too embarrassed of exposing my faults to other people that is why I don't get too close to anyone. 

I think everyone doesn't want to expose their faults to anyone unless they are some moronic optimistic type of people, which I wish to be like and sometimes pretend to be like. 

I think I am in denial and in my head I am sort of consoling my heart that I have worst problems than just failing a course in university. Sure I might have to go through humiliation because I am sure the university will ask me to participate in some dumb assembly lecture; and lecture us (students who failed) that we have been irresponsible and that we are dumb as fuck to put ourselves in the position where we fail to meet the passing requirements. 

I really hoped it wouldn't come to this, I know that I didn't give 100% but I couldn't I had so many distractions I am pretty much finding a reason why I failed I know whole heartedly that the main reason is because of myself. Moreover I can't stop preventing myself from blaming the things that happened around me as a source of the major reason to why I failed to pass all courses for semester 1. 

Here are my reasons:

1. My sister always vocalize sure it goes for 2 hours but the times she vocalize are the times I am in my best mood to study.
2. My parents (more of my mom) just wants to go out or spend the whole day with the family, which I wouldn't mind but she does it on times I need to focus (ALL THE TIME). So weekends I don't really get to study because of my mom's spontaneity.
3. I have been self pitying, a lot for the previous months because of my family's financial situation and the fact that I don't receive money from Centrelink (even if I am a full time student) and I am currently unemployed.
4. I always discover interesting thing to do when I am suppose to be studying.
   [That one is ENTIRELY my own doing and my fault!]
5. The concert that we did for my sister's fund-raising concert screw me over because the preparation and errands I was running for my parents was happening during my mid-terms (I mentioned some in this entry I talked about the stress I was experiencing.)
6. I was having self-pity, fantasy and acting out how I would act out in events that I might encounter in the future (like I was talking to myself on what I would say if I was told a particular something and how I would act if people found out a particular something).
7. I was too preoccupied solving Steven's problem when I should be solving mine instead, but Steven was also being a big ass because he thinks there is nothing worst than his half assed problem. Moreover he didn't think about how I might be feeling at all.
   [Read this and this if you don't know what I am talking about.]
8. Hackers being the main reason of depleting my entire confidence and faith.
   [Read this, this and this to understand]
9. Bothered at the fact that my life has not interesting events anymore, knowing that my parents partly screwed with my head when they told me plans when in fact this plans were just drawing. (Like for example when they said that if I go to schoolies they will go abroad without me.)
10. My English is just really terrible, I suck at writing and it is my fault for being a dumb incompetent ass when it comes to writing and yet I say too many crap!

Mainly the fault and the blame should be only on me I did this to myself and I shouldn't be pointing fingers at anyone. Because I know that if I wasn't so soft hearted and was a self-centered bitch I would just cross out everything on that list above and do my own thing. But I didn't because I am an stupid moron who choose to please people that matter in my life. 

I know it sounds so dumb how I am finding reasons for my own fault but I see this situation not being entirely my fault, somehow I feel like no one supports or help me in times I need a hand. Sure my significant other tries to help me financially by paying for my food if we eat out and offering to buy medicines and other crap I need for survival. Sure my parents tries to give me and my sisters the best life they can think are best for us but for me somehow it is not effective in my well-being.

I know I keep repeating myself in this entry now, I know that majority of things that happened and why I failed 2 of my courses was my fault. I just hoped though that there was more people who supported me. Even if the university facilities always tell me they are there for students if they need help, but I tell you what it is all bullshit! They are only doing that because those people in the student services facilities are actually part-time students/teachers who don't have much ambition and is not really their to help you whole heartedly. In fact they are their to Facebook and gossip about people they know and criticize student for their terrible English and grammatical and informal language that does not meet University standards.

So really NO ONE was that much of a help. If you read all my post under the label of University, Customer Service you would understand where I am coming from. 

So once again I see this matter as a hopeless case for being turned into a good thing.

I don't even want to see people because I dread the all time favorite question 'How did your semester 1 grades go?' and 'What did you get?'.

That is it! Next semester I am doing PSYC 2040 again but I'll do ACCT 1101 another semester.

I need to fix my study planner it seems I have to do summer semester for 2010 and 2011 for me to graduate on 2011 or 2012 first semester. However finding a stable job will be the most difficult for me for these failing to get this credits shit will appear on my transcript. So pretty much I need to grab an opportunity for myself where I don't have to undergo through showing my credit which takes place if you apply for companies under graduates.

I really need a miracle!

I am dying inside

I seriously just want to vent out the feelings I have inside!
Tomorrow at 6am which is the 6 July, Semester 1 results will be released. I know that even if I gave my best (maybe lacking a bit because I didn't have much motivation and problem at home was distracting my inspiration) somehow I feel like a failure after the entire thing. I am literally dying inside, I am fearing failure at this moment. Even today after my second interview with the second manager for subway sandwich artist job I felt like a complete failure for some big hair fat reason.

I HATE FAILING AND I AM FEELING DEFEATED ALREADY!
I REALLY HOPE I PASS! A big fat stinking ugly 4 would suffice! (7 is the highest. Although inside I wish for a better mark but from the look of it no fat chance for that). I already mentioned in my previous post how badly my mid terms and assignment went for some of my subjects but I am seriously dying inside! I hope I passed all subjects!!! I want to die right at this instant. I feel like I won't be getting sleep till 6 am!!!

ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH %$^^Y&^%^$%#$%$^%&I^&%^$#@#$#%$^&

That is what I feel like at this moment.
I am trying to enlighten myself with funny manga comics and maybe I should start watching the Nanny season 3 but I really don't think that would help me in my state. Because I am so nervous I can't even eat the freaking cookie I wanted to eat before I sleep!
[Normal symptoms for me when I am nervous = butterflies in tummy, losing appetite, shaking tremendously, head spinning around, have an itchiness to watch, read or do something funny].

GAAH SOMEONE HELP ME! Where is my GENIE!!!!
I want my own Genie that will grant me all my wishes and take me out of this state!
GAAAH ALL these fantasies are making me go boinkers, ^$%#$%$#@$%$@$#!!!!!