Yes. I googled.

So today, instead of panicking for my Assignment based on power increasing stereotyping I am worrying about what I am going to wear on my sister's fund raising concert night.
I will be introduced and therefore I have to give an appaeling impression slash entrance.
I have been googling on clothes and I have been wanting something sparkly.

Possibly silver or gold and black is an exemption.

It is so hard trying to find nice dresses as such without having money because you don't get money from either centrelink or your parents.

Don't you hate it when someone sits next to you in a computer lab and starts peeking through what you are doing. You just want to say 'Hey you! Mind your own business, how would you like it if I stare at your boring screen full of word documents!'

Anyway before I got distracted, Wow! I never knew that even blogger can be a massive distraction for your studies, even when you don't have that much friends as you did in your FB and MySpace account. It is really addictive.

Pretty much my blogger website is a diary entry for me and I just keep writting down my thoughts because I know this way I can go on and on and on and I don't have to feel annoyed at myself for making the other person listen to my crap. Instead if you get annoyed with my blog, well just click next blog link because I am not really entertaining you to read it, I am entertaining myself by letting it out :D.

There are just some issues or stories you can't let out using words, in this world sometimes those kind of words are deadly so remain quiet and no one will ever know.

Today I am having dinner with my significant other's family, that is why I am wearing one of the nicest maxi-dress (and the most expensive one) I own. Although I just noticed now that from the last time I washed it those dark stain on the thin chiffon material its still not off ! GRRR!  I seriously need to fix that issue.
I don't want this dress to be ruined. It was so expensive!

Moreover I ate so much today AGAIN!
Seriously hanging out alot with my significant other makes me fat because he always wants to see me eat part of his food (yeah I don't understand why) and always suggest to take me to a nice restaurant where you just have to feel bloated in the end.

Something to say to that girl that belong in the KRISTOPHIA world:

• Firstly stop acting and talking Korean to your friends when you are no where near a fricking KOREAN!
• You are the same nationality as me would it hurt you to put a little dignity in your self? Seriously standing few meters near you makes me want to puke and forget about that I am the same nationality as you. 
• Second the university is a fricking huge place why do you wear heals and can't even walk in it properly?!
• You wear so much foundation, you don't fricking need to because you are effing ghost WHITE!
• I hate hearing you talk because I instantly know its you!
• I hate hearing you trying to make sentences in Korean because I know you are saying all of it wrong, I am not Korean but seriously dude I have watched enough Korean shows to know how to say their phrases right!
• Seriously stop saying onya when you just said it three times already plus who the eff are you saying onya to?! Your friends who happens to be there beside you the same time as I saw you!
• You don't need to act dumb to pretend to be a fresh asian because your personality alone is effing DUMB!
• I don't care about you hanging out with boys all the time but would it hurt to atleast show this fresh asian boys that you are trying hard to talk proper english when you effing lived in this place longer than I have!
• Seriously just quit university if you think this place is a place to be whoring and galvinasig around because this place is to effing study and attain a certificate not to effing pick up boys!

Thats all I have to say to that person.
I just saw her a while ago when I went to my bank's atm machine to try out my new pink debit card. I saw her friends first didn't actually notice her at first more of like I noticed my significant other's friend and then I heard the effing same voice that irritates me the most and instantly knew it was her.
Seriously I just want to punch her if there is a pause button I would have done it.

Paranoia

Ever since I joined facebook and myspace (friendster will pretty much show you who looked at your profile) I became paranoid whether people know I am looking at their profile. I mean I never saw any application or website where you can see who is viewing your profile but I see links that says 'look who's viewed your profile' OR 'Find out who's looking at your profile'.
I think once people joins those networking website they have should already know that some people will be stalking/viewing their profile alot, some will say no I just joined to network or talk to my friends.
But reality is you joined because you want to be followed, so if you ever find out that person is looking at you, just accept it or don't look for it at all.
Facebook is pretty much a website to stalk people you have always wanted to stalk or you find interesting.
So is myspace, but I found myspace alot safer but now I am just paranoid what if people knew that I looked at their profile several times?! Will they consider me a stalker?!

There were times where you see someone from a distance and quickly you realize them because you have seen them from facebook and suddenly you just quickly get embarrass because I think to my head 'what if they knew I visited their page before'. What a shame!
I would hate to know that the person I frequently visit when I still had facebook know that I always looked at their page at least once a month. It would be the biggest terror for me, I would rather see a ghost than someone know that I stalk them!
You just can't help it because once you joined and put a picture up you are pretty much entertaining people to stalk you, its just the reality of technology. I swear if there wasn't any technology life would be so much easier, people will be living their life the normal way. They would talk to their friends the way it was before such as phone call or snail mail etc.
I swear I have been so paranoid ever since my facebook got hacked! I really want to kill those hackers, I am going to make sure that I keep every evidence and sue you!

Thank goodness with blogger you can't search anyone in particular and also can remain anonymous, yet you get to write every details of your experience.

Anyway enough about this whole following/stalking people. It gives me a headache and sometimes I just want to just bang my head on the wall for not thinking about the consequences of looking at peoples profiles!
Sure your own friends wouldn't mind they probably like it that way but other people who don't know you will!

Okay. Enough. Thinking about this will only give me a cardiac disease and dimensia.

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So this morning I woke up and went for a run on the treadmill for about 45 minutes.
I was weighing 46.5 kg probably due to that lasagna I had last night! Although I don't regret going there.

Before I walked to the bus stop, my dad had a full go at me for asking him (nicely) to take me to the bus stop since he is at home. He was complaining how I don't warn him long enough and just surprise him like that and blah blah blah, pretty much the message was could you walk there because I need to catch on with my sleep because I have work in an hour. Instead he chose to waste his breathe and rant on and on about it. Plus I didn't mind the walk I was just wondering whether he could do it but if he can't its fine with me.

I promised myself today that I would not eat so much today and yet I did.
As soon as I bought my AESOP facial products from the city, I felt my tummy growl. My significant other instantly called me as soon as he was finished with his meeting which was when I was about to head to my university bus stop (I know great timing). Together we head off to the beautiful campus of our university and found a parking that was in a good spot. We had pizza U (pepperoni, mushroom, garlic bread, basil, cheese) and I ate like 5 slices of it because my significant other was not that hungry so he gave it all to me! 
Then we walked towards building 67 Porton to use the Apple computers and do our school work before they heading towards their lectures at 6pm.
At the same time when we were walking towards the computer labs (that's our university term for computer rooms), I saw this guy from a distance and quickly I recognize him because I use to visit his facebook page. Of course knowing myself I knew I can pretend with a straight face that I don't know him or have never seen him in my life. Deep inside I was dying because I wished and hopes that he doesn't know that I have visited his facebook before.

While we were in the Porton computer lab my significant other took out a packet of chocolate fingers and passed it around me and my Muslim friend. Both of them found the chocolate too sweet while I like it because I love chocolate! WHY!?


Although I just stuffed those chocolate fingers inside my mouth (without thinking twice) maybe because of the stressed I felt after seeing that person I used to 'stalk'. I mean its not like I like him/her but just that I found them fascinating. So pretty much following? Well that is what happens when you have facebook! You get followed once in a while!

Did you know STRESSED is DESSERTS backwards?

So now I am annoyed for eating so much again. When I should be losing weight because of this concert that I will be hosting on Sunday!
I need to look great! gaaah.

Do it today, it might be illegal tomorrow

My agenda today were:

• Woke up feeling alright
• Jogged on the treadmill for 50 minutes
• Took a shower
• Checked my weight on the weighing scale, 45 kgs because yesterday I was between 46.6 kgs.
• Drank my apple cider vinegar (which always make my mouth watery)
• Walked to the bus stop for about 25 minutes
• Reloaded my go card at the 7/11 petrol station
• Caught a bus
• Arrived at destination
• Walked at Chamberlaine to use the computers
• Bumped into a good friend of mine while walking towards Chamberlain
• I was doing my assignment (two article review) with the friend I bumped into until;
• I had a phone call from significant other, he was upset because he got only a distinction in his oral assignment this morning (which is actually a high mark)
• Watched my significant other eat meat pie and drink his isotonic blackcurrant powerade
• back to Chamberlain to continue my assignment

Tonight I will be watching my significant other basketball game at Auchenflower, not the best team in that tournament but its a good exercise and training for my significant other.

I don't know about you but I have a soft spot for taking pictures of awkward/big old tree that have a bench underneath with a nice scenery either at the back of the bench or where the bench is facing.

A Healthy mind will leave a healthy and happy life.

Group Members

K - You seem nice and bubbly, I think I will be able to work well with you.

A - A bit mature but nice, its probably just the age gap but I will be able to work with you well.

C - You seem quiet like me in this group, probably because your girlfriend keeps trying to get your attention

J - Ever since I saw you I didn't get a good impression of you, to be honest I don't know if I will be able to work with you well because you seem to be like one of those people who will do anything to get attention. You claim yourself to be dominant I think it should be either attention seeker or that person who gets into everybody's nerves.
Most likely you will be the biggest bitch to me unless, you improve on me.

I hate this stupid group assignment where I have to deal with people who just need to be executed from this world, as if there isn't enough of this losers.

Hopefully with a team member who's impression hasn't change for me will give us a good mark, because to take the pain should be a good price right?

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Today ended great, my significant other took me to West End to eat at Three Monkeys and I LOVE IT!
The three monkey was more of like a cafe but with a relaxing ambiance, where you don't feel the need to dress up just to eat and can stay there and eat your food with no pressure.
Many places in West End are fully packed therefore sometimes you feel pressured to leave straight after finishing your meal. Three monkeys didn't have that busy atmosphere and I have to admit they presented and decorated the place well, at first I thought wow this seems cute but kinda small and then my significant other surprised me by taking me to a small hallway where seats (to sit down and eat)  keeps getting better.
We ate at the very back of the cafe because it was the best ambiance such as coloured lights, plants, wooden chair and table, magazine available to read while waiting and best of all you can look around and feel relaxed.  I absolutely loved the place where we were seating. I ordered for a chicken lasagna ( I was craving for crab lasagna though but they didn't have any), chai latte and a new york cheese cake (I don't have a picture because as soon as I saw it I digged in :D).

My Significant other ordered a meat pie and shared the chai latte and cheese cake with me (thank God! because I don't think I would have finished all of it, I didn't even get to finish the lasagna, it was so filling!). 

As I wait for my significant other to order our food in front at the counter, I came across Bazaar magazine where Posh Beckham was on the cover and I came across an LV advertisement where the model was wearing amazing shoes, I just wanted one for myself. Not really that important I though I might share it with you guys.

We waited only 5-8 minutes for food, which was absolutely fantastic!


I loved eating at Three Monkeys! It was the best place my significant other took me to.
The prices are not ridiculous as well so they are very humble and ambiance is definitely worth staying for!


After dinner a good friend (friend1) of mine who lives in GC and staying here tonight at her cousins called me up and asked to hang out in Plaza with my other friend (friend2, ex-best-friend, who I am now in good terms with) at first we were thinking of watching Dragon in 3D but my friend said she saw it already, so in the end we decided to just have a drink at Coffee Club and chat.
Friend 1 was definitely talkative tonight thank goodness, she is getting more comfortable with my significant other.
Friend 2 was not as talkative as she was probably just getting used to it again, feeling awkward around us.


While we were having coffee and chatting I felt an awkward aura towards friend 2 like as if she is jealous of something either because me and friend 1 was getting closer and she is not catching up to that level or 2 she is jealous that my significant other found a job and hers is still hooting around Asian town to find himself a descent job when he himself is a graduate and my significant other is just going to be finishing.
Although Friend 1 said that Friend 2 was really quiet these days, but she was talkative enough to keep conversation flowing.
So another possibility is I might be over analyzing this situation way too much, which is probably what it is most likely.


I accidentally forgot to invite friend 2 to go shopping with me tomorrow thank goodness friend 1 declined as soon as I asked her what she was doing because I didn't pick up straight away on that part until towards the end of that conversation, I was trying to think why she was looking at me that way. Then slowly it occurred to me, instances like that I wish I think faster.


Then we decided to leave the coffee club because I think the waitress was getting angry she keeps grabbing and putting stuff in our table while we were talking (which was kind of rude) so I sort of distracted the group on thinking of leaving (as soon as that waitress was taking and putting stuff at our table) and stayed longer just to piss her off because I found her incredibly rude, customer service in this Asian town is  not great but eventually I gave up and just left I couldn't be bothered putting up with her.


Overall we dropped off friend 1 and 2 to the place where they parked their cars and parted our ways with a happy ending.
Today was a nice way to catch up with those two girls, even though friend 2 and I had lots of issue last year I have to admit I do miss her company because she wasn't a wholly bad friend, she was just a friend who became blindly in love with a stupid mofo fresh asian ugly guy.
I guess we can't blame her for that.

All ends well.

Anyways.

Adios

Simulated Kindness

Do you ever had one of those days, where you hinted to your parents that one of your younger sibling actually hurt you by saying 'I am your only hope in this family and you don't even have a job to help us.'

Well I did, last week's Sunday my callous sister told me off just like that after me commenting 'We spent heaps of things for your this concert, so you better be grateful.'

I am the oldest among three kids, I always had the most responsibility as far as I can remember. When we were young and migrated here in Australia, I was the only person who washed the dishes, vacuumed, babysit, hang the laundry, prepare the table etc...  So as soon as we arrived in this country I always had a responsibility because I am the eldest and I think that goes for all the other first kid out there.

However at the late 2009 and 2010 where I decided to do the things I have always wanted (such as trying to get out of the house as much as possible) I hardly did any house chores. Even though I still have to let my parents know where I am and what I am doing (sometimes I forget) by the time the clock hits 10pm, I have that liberty I have always wanted when I was in high school. 

Let me give you a brief information about my youngest sibling who said this callous thing to me.

• First she's in highschool (a freshman)
• taller than me by 20 centimetres
• she sings awesome for her age domain
• she dances and choreographs in excellency
• she is most of the time thinking about herself
• sometimes she likes to win my affection by pleasing me (I don't mind that), depending on her mood
• we are preparing a concert for her this year so that we can send her off to Hollywood because she got in the country's team to compete with other countries somewhere in Hollywood.
• she helps her friends more than she helps her family
• she likes to take lots and lots of pictures
• mom likes to buy her lots of performing outfits 
• for me she's an overall typical female dog

So that is about what I can think about her. We had some moments where we can totally bond but me and the youngest are most of the time like a cat and a dog.
I am closer and can relate to my middle sister more that I can with her which is probably due to the age gap.

Anyway last Sunday, my parents went to my auntie's birthday in her house (which is a 11/2 hours drive from where we live). So they couldn't make it to church  and (at 6pm) therefore asked me if my significant other can drive us to church.
So I said 'Yes it should be fine.'
While we were in the car and my significant other on the steering wheel, we were talking about something that involved expenditures and lifestyle my parents chose. So this is how the conversation went. [brat]=youngest sibling's name, the callous one.

Significant other: You know your parents shouldn't really spend too much on things

Me: Well lately its only mom spending a lot for [brat] because of her concert, gosh [brat] so lucky I wish mom did that for me when I was in that stage of my life where I was still performing on stage.

[brat]: She has to do that for me because I have to use those dresses when I go to Hollywood.

Me: Sure.

[brat]: Well I am your only hope at the moment, that is why mom is doing that.

Me:: What do you mean your the only hope?! I am nearly finished with my studies soon as well!

[brat]: You don't even have a job to support us yet so right now, if I became famous in Hollywood then I make the money.
 

-------------------A very awkward silence----------------------------------

[Significant other]: You know [brat] you shouldn't talk to your sister like that. Even if you became famous, you shouldn't even think of it like that. You are not even there yet and everyone in your family is working hard to prepare for this fund raising concert and you should be grateful.

[brat]:... Sorry [insert my name here], I didn't mean it that way

Me: -

That's how the conversation went when the awkward silence was happening quickly I was thinking to myself, she is so selfish to think about me that way, sure it was mom that got that idea in her head but to even just say it to me just like that in-front of my significant other was just cold.

My significant other got really upset and angry with her but he was not showing it at that instance because he knows he has to behave. I was pretty much quite the whole church trip and was only talking to my middle sister and significant other. While my youngest sister was trying to get me to talk to her by asking me questions.

So at the end of that day, I cried myself to sleep, I know that I am helpless, jobless and can't help my parents in anyway about our financial difficulties.
My parents work hard, but sometimes they like to think that showbiz industry will lessen our financial difficulty. I don't even know if my youngest sister is going to be that famous, sure she has the voice, moves and the looks, but sometimes destiny does not take you there.
So I knew I slept that night thinking and hurting a lot, probably no one would understand how harsh that words was towards me. It was like a slap on the face especially when in your whole life you were pretty much carrying that responsibility and you thinking you are burdened with that responsibility.

So when my significant other called me really late while I was on bed trying to sleep. He tried to asked me how I felt about it. I couldn't describe it to him properly, even I can't describe it to myself. All I knew was my heart aches and I couldn't stop thinking about it and I keep getting flashbacks of it.
My significant other tried to cheer me up by showing me affection through the phone and being sweet to me and he eventually said
'Even if [brat] does get famous, there will be a point in time where her fame can be so much and she will be eventually forgotten and the only person who she can run to will be you because you are the first among your siblings to finish university and will be most likely doing well financially'
Somehow those words eased the pain I was feeling. It is not like I am jealous that things are going well for her. All I wanted her to do was appreciate the fact that we were doing several things for her so that we can send her to Hollywood. Because only her and mom gets to go to Hollywood, I am not going, so is dad and so is my middle sister.
So I know that day was something I couldn't erase from my memory, I have forgiven her but I can't forget about it even if I tried.

So that night I slept, with tears in my eyes and hoping for a beautiful dream while I'm asleep.

---

So Today I woke up helped dad rolling the shrimp rolls.
While I was doing that I mentioned that little incidence and before I could finish my mom interrupted me and just asked [brat] to turn of all the sounds and sit down in the dinner table.

As soon as she sat down mom started telling her how the obligation of her providing for the family is not her responsibility. So the conversation went like this.

Mom: [brat] I don't want you to feel that we are putting the burden on you about providing for us if you win this Hollywood competition.

Dad: If you do win and get money we don't expect you to provide for us. Nevertheless if you are feeling pressured with all this concert and competition we can give it all up because we thought that you were doing it because you really wanted it.

Mom: I don't want you thinking that we are making you provide for us. I don't want you saying to people that the only reason you are joining this competition was because you need to provide for the family because you are the only hope.

Dad: We have been providing for you guys just fine, we don't really need more help. We just have to work hard that is all but its not an obligation on your part.

[brat]: ... [starts crying] (she is pretty good in fake crying as well)

Mom: oh honey we don't want you to think that we are putting this pressure on you that you need to provide for us.. [hugs the brat]

Dad: we especially don't want you to feel and think that way too [hugs the brat as well]

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So that was all of it, well not really I sort of shortened it down, I cut out the bit where my middle sister was trying to comfort the brat when tears started running down her cheeks. I pretty much didn't say anything aside from 'Mom [brat] is not spreading around that she's the only hope she only said it to me.'
I also cut out the part where I was trying to tell mom how the conversation went during that day but obviously she didn't see the part where I could have been hurt from there.
I hate telling my parents how I feel, ever since I was young I always felt that they didn't really care. So instead of me using 'I feel...' I say facts that does not involve feelings or emotions.

So I guess part of the communication here was partly my fault for not telling them that it hurt me so bad, but part of them are theirs for not knowing their daughter well enough. They focused on how much pressure it must have been for [brat] but they forgot the fact that those words hurt me especially when she mentioned that I don't have a job to start off with.

When my mom say to me 'I know what is wrong because I am your mother after all'
I think to myself well if you know me that well how come you can't even tell what I am feeling right now.
Both of my parents were so oblivious on my side, instead the whole conversation flowed like we have unkind towards [brat] for giving that impression.

I am so sorry for being a complete idiot of thinking that somehow they will comfort me on those words, I should have known better that my parents don't know what I really think.

So now I have to pretend happy as people arrive for the concert's simulation and pretend that I am alright.
Never mind me as those flashbacks haunts me and kills me inside. I am only one person after all.

All I know is when I graduate and find myself a descent job I am moving out of the house and live my own life. So I don't have to deal with all these drama. I am really looking forward into graduating soon.
Somehow it seems that only my significant other knew that thing the brat said to me really hurt me.
Not even my middle sister can understand it, I mean she probably feels for me but she will never really know how it feels unless she steps on my shoes.

So as of now I have to go out of my room and accommodate people as they arrive in our humble commode and just wear a smile in my face and no one will ever know.

'Bid them wash their faces and keep their teeth clean.' William Shakespears

Last week I was with a friend, had coffee with her because it was her birthday. Plus she wanted to see me. I had fun chatting with her, somehow it seems so wierd and unrealistic how we used to be in the same school in some foreign country and became friends in another foreign country. Like a fairytale sort of way.

She's a really cool chick with a fiery attitude which is what I love about her!

While I was spending time with my friend on her birthday we went inside this mall (in the mainstreet - city) and came across this wierd looking facial products that looked like medicine syrup bottles. This products are natural herbs and ingredients and smells like real chamomile, rosehip, parsely etc because 100% of the product is just natural plants ingredients!

 I just love those natural ingredients being put in the face. Just like the cucumber to get rid of eyebags and egg white to make the skin tight, and mayonaise to make the hair shiny etc...

So when I came across AESOP on March 16, I just FELL IN LOVE!

The sales lady was a really nice, asian, tall, skinny and (best of all) the first lady I have seen in the cosmetics department with a really nice skin. Maybe part of the reason I fell in love with the facial products was that the sales lady was so down to earth and have this charisma that makes every customer loves her.

She tried the products on our hands and oh my goodness me! I have never felt anything like it.It was so soft the cleanser the toner and the moisturizer all feels like a moisturiser and does Not sting!

You know how you use facial products on your face and then it stings, and immediately you think to yourself yup it is working already. Well the sales lady (who happens to own the shop and is a beauty therapist) said that effect is a NO-NO!

Facial products should be soft on the skin because if its not soft on the skin then you would get wrinkles and age spot. You will age faster than you expected! 

So as of next week I am buying this magnificient find and hopefully it will last me 6months because it is so expensive, especially for someone like me who is a university student, trying to save 10% out of a 50 dollar allowance from her own parents.

So if you are asian and trying to find a good facial product here in Australia I recommend you try this one, because this brand was made for us!

Rain check and equipment check!

So today during my workshop for my subject, I came unprepared.
This is the scenario I swore I would never allow myself to be in. I dread coming to a workshop or tutorial unprepared! It is just the worst thing for me.

Since this subject have an assignment due in 4 days I couldn't prepare for the tutorial number 3 which required us to read this journal article. So being me, embarrassed and frustrated at myself I lied about what my assigned article (about 12 pages long) was about (we were equally distributed an article to read last week to be completed for this weeks tutorial). I felt my ears hot and red and I swear my cheeks were blushing while I was lying and BS-ing my teeth. I just hope no one in my group got interested on what (I pretended to know)my assigned article is about and read it for themselves because I am screwed!

I just hope the teacher didn't read my assigned article before because then she would have gotten suspicious.
The teacher didn't look appalled or disgusted she just seemed normal after I described to my group what my article was, but then again she is a certified psychologist and about to do PhD so she could be good in displaying unwanted emotions so that she won't embarrass me.

I am so sorry again but I was using an ego-defensive mechanism so that I wouldn't let my team down. :(

When I was lying and telling my team what my assigned article was about I was completely surprise at myself as well since that I was lying to the extent that I wasn't stuttering and pausing which what I would normally do if I really did read the article. The idea flows and concepts I was thinking was so imaginative and super quick with just trying to explain it when really I only read the title. Pretty good as I think about it and to be completely honest I have no idea how this ideas and words came out of me. : |
Don't get me wrong I didn't like what I did and I will NEVER come to a workshop unprepared!

Not one of my finest moments.

My dad is AWESOME

Today is my dad's birthday, me and my dad was not as close as me and my mom.
This is probably because I hardly saw my dad when I was growing up because he works as a marine captain, chief officer mate 1.
Since moving to Australia we developed a strong rapport and eventually became very close while evolving into a teenager..
So as of today I just want to say

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!

Hope you have fun today :D

I will make you proud one day and that is the best birthday present a daughter can give her own father.

Love you!

Waking up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy?

So I am awake, thank goodness I still manage to wake up after sleeping really late last night.

Then I was able to change my Mozilla Firefox skin into anything I want it to be which is AWESOME! Now its not just some boring website but its personalized :D

I am going to run on the treadmill for 45 minutes in 3 minutes time. My weight goal is 40 kilogram because I am only 153cm. That weight is apparently the normal range for my height. I am currently weighing 45-46kg but during exams (where I eat so much, especially strawberry and cream, Allens lollies) I end up weighing around 48-50kg which is terrible! So if I lose another 5kg before exams then I didn't gain that much weight after exams :D.

Brand new nothing

So the beginning of 2010 was not really good for me.

I understand that some of the consequences I faced today was due to unforeseen consequences of my decisions which I made in the late 2009.
According to my friend (who is very much an angel) that 2010 pretty much started crap for everybody.

How about the saying 'A terrible beginning ends beautifully'?
Well I am pretty much hoping for it as well *cross fingers*.

To be honest this blogger website kinda gives me a creep, ever since my hotmail and facebook account got hacked, I always dreaded networking website. I deleted every single networking website I have except bebo because my middle sister wouldn't let me, she wanted to use it for her own benefit. What ever she do to it, I don't care as long as I don't get any stalkers.
To those stupid hackers that hacked into my email and fb, I just want you to know that I will catch you one day and I will never let this pass because you have Violated my privacy! Just you wait!
Since I can remain anonymous I guess it is all good. Just hopefully no one ever finds out.

So what was the motivation that enticed me to join blogger, well to be honest I really don't know.
I actually wanted to make my own webpage and website and just write all the things I want to say there and remain anonymous without having to give any email details and such (like a diary). Then I realized I didn't have the skills and knowledge to do such things, that is why my friends you need to make friends with an IT geek or some crazy nerds. They really are a big help.

To be honest I was never good in english. When I say never I meant NEVER!
I like to read obviously but when it comes to writing, my thoughts and the words just explodes like as if its a water coming out of the hose. So yes everybody gets wet and just let it be because its water, you can dry it out after and then problem solved.
See doesn't make sense again does it?

As a person I am a quite type of genteel person, I refrain myself from showing actions that will get me scarred for life but sometimes I do slip (after all I am only human). When my fb got hacked there were several messages I was sending to a very close friend of mine. I like to think of this friend as my private confidant, since her and I understand each other in way that nothing else make sense. However in those messages I have been sending not so pleasant things about people around me because its a conversation between two people who trust each other and let each other speak their mind, so during that time I just let my imagination run wild.
(To tell you the truth I never speak my mind, my boyfriend believes that I am to darn straight to the point and the world is not ready for me.)
Don't get me wrong, I am not the typical person who looks at you and see the negative thing first. I just have a very strong mind, where I am always thinking and analyzing thoughts from information and observation. Yes I do have a mind of my own, I am not fake, I believe but I do form opinions of people (just like everyone else). Sometimes those opinions does hurt a certain people.

So to cut the story short.
I want to say SORRY to those friends I hurt in that message. I never intended for you guys to find out that way. I was never close to you because I knew as a person you can't really handle me because I am stubborn, straight to the point and secretive (I was raised up that way) and that is something  I have to improve on.

All I know is that whatever is in that message was purely based on my opinion, facts and observation.
So you did rant at me even though it wasn't just my fault but I don't blame you probably because you were in shock that I could say something like that towards you, especially when all this time you got the impression that we are tight.
I never really wanted to get close to someone especially when I know I don't see the person much and heard different accounts of them, I don't think I could say sorry for that because that was just me playing it safe. I didn't want to get hurt anymore after what several people did to me. So I know you will never understand my point of view but this is who I am, I give you the impression that we are tight when it just a one sided thing.
I am an attentive listener and a person who goes out of her way to be with a friend in need (even if I am not close to her/him) because I like helping people. As you can see from that messages I didn't give a fact to why I think you were like that, that should give you a hint that I didn't just bitch about you I just said what I think of you, even though you never asked me why I have an opinion like that towards you.
About the clubbing scene that was just what I was seeing (observed) during that night if you remember it clearly I was entirely upset and pissed off therefore the story in my head was a more of a hate story because I hated that night. 

I know that somehow I handled the apologizing situation well, instead of explaining my reasons to why I did that and what made think that (meaning involving innocent people, no need for that) I just swallowed my pride and made it seemed that it was my fault and I am being inconsiderate if I didn't say it wasn't my fault at all (which is true). Plus I know my own fault to be stubborn, sometimes narrow minded (everyone have those moments once in a while) and overtly secretive.
I don't tell or talk to many people except people I trust, tight and relate to. If I don't know you yet or just want to play safe, I don't tell you a single thing which is why my friend who got angry at me got really angry or disappointed at me because it was probably the last thing she expected.

When you get caught doing a no-no you have to face the consequences.It doesn't matter what it made you feel just do it because its the right thing. It was probably good for me as well for I just realized:

1.  Internet is not safe anymore
2. You will know who really understands you
3. People will go out of their way to hack into peoples account
4. Deleting FB and other networking website is good for the soul
5. Slaps you back to reality and make you realize what you did was wrong
6. Teaches you to learn from this mistake

I definitely learned from that experience, I can safely assume that friend and I will not rekindle our friendship for a long period of time, someday we will take a walk down memory lane and hopefully become friends again.
Since it is rare to bump into her, I don't go to same functions they attend and I don't have any form of communication with them anymore it will be very rare we'll be in contact.
Perhaps I should take my mom's advice (I have been for my whole life) 'don't say anything and don't tell anyone including friends if its not a nice thought or information.'

Letting it out in this blogger makes me feel better. Just like a diary except people actually viewing.

Secret confession makes the world curious, paranoid and eventually die early.

Anyway good night.

 

How I am feeling before, now and in the future. 

I want to eat marshmallows now